3 weeks later..

and we're all still alive. The dog hasn't starved to death, the snake doesn't hate us (I think), Luke & I haven't killed each other, and the baby has on a clean diaper.

I've thought I might go crazy, I've cried myself to sleep after holding an angel who only wanted to cry, I gave in and gave him formula a few times because I was so exhausted and needed Luke to feed him. I've done a million things I didn't think I was going to do, but I've made it this far- I think we might be alright.

I wish I had more to say, but I don't know what to do right now.

Well, I've given up on the idea of sleep. After a midnight and 2am feeding, Ivan wanted some more around 4am. Luke got up and gave him a bottle, and he wanted more after that...which means that I get to get up! So here I am...at almost 6am, still awake, because he screams if I put him down. Maybe he slept too much yesterday or something? I'm not sure how this whole sleep schedule thing works..but maybe today I'll try to keep him up more, so that he's more tired tonight.

We're going to get some photos taken of him today- should be fun, but it's an hour and a half drive. This will be by far the longest that we've been away from the house with him. 3hrs or so round trip in the car, plus our appt which is 2hr long..plus anything else that happens while we're out. I might just sleep on the car ride there and back, that way I'm not tempted to shoot anyone who looks at me wrong later on today.

Coffee anyone?

Breathe in...breathe out.

While I sit here on the couch, listening to my baby boy make cooing sounds from his current bed, I'm still in shock that this precious child really is mine. He's mine to take care of, to love and cherish, and to love some more. I'm getting more sleep than I thought I would, even though it's scattered throughout the day and night. For some reason Ivan wants to be up all night and sleep all day. It really doesn't bother me to sit up with him, it's just tiring to rock him and sing to him until he falls asleep and I'm halfway dozing off, then THINKING about laying him down- which instantly wakes him in a fit of screaming and tears...this usually isn't a problem, but after 2 or 3 hours I usually end up in tears too. They said I'm at a high risk for postpartum depression..I really really really hope that I don't end up there. I know what it's like to be severely depressed, and I don't want to know the feeling again.

My parents land in WA in about 20 minutes- Luke is on his way to the airport to get them..I would've gone, but fitting 4 normal sized people plus a car seat into a car isn't looking very likely right now. I'm still pretty tired, even after coffee, and I know I would've ended up mad over something stupid.

Working on crocheting a baby blanket and snuggling with Ivan sounds like a great plan right now.

One week old today!

This last week has been amazing.

We came home on Thursday, and it's just been a whirlwind since then. The first couple of nights we had to wake Ivan up for every feeding. I was on a whole bunch of pain meds then, so that might have something to do with how sleepy he was.

I took one of my pills this morning when I realized that I was hurting so bad that I couldn't get out of the bed, and haven't taken another one all day. We've slept on the couch every night since being home except for last night- I ended up using the steps that Luke built for Wrinkles to get in and out of there. Our bed is a good 4 foot off the ground, and there's no way I'm getting in there by myself right now.

Luke has been a dream. He's held me when I cried about something already done, and when I really cried about the house being a disaster...he then went and cleaned up. Last night I got really tore up when I was holding Ivan. He had to have his bilirubin (jaundice) levels checked yesterday, and instead of a heel prick they took it out of his hand with a needle. The bruise left from it looks just awful.

On a good note- my parents will be here tomorrow. That'll be interesting, considering how moody I've been this past week- I just hope I don't get too pissy. As much as I love them both, it's just going to be hard having two more people in the house when I feel like I'm going crazy.

Luke and I have been married for a whole year on Friday the 13th! Creepy, yes. Awesome, yes. I couldn't ask for more in a husband..I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. Well, he and Ivan are tied for the spot of who I could love more.

Honey- if you're reading this- I love you. A lot.

The moment you've been waiting for!

This post will probably be rather long, but it's alright. This entry is dedicated to my little man Ivan Paul Brown.

The last weeks of my pregnancy were uneventful. I had an appointment with a midwife on post, because I really wanted to have a drug free waterbirth. I went in, was 1cm dilated, and 25% effaced. Didn't look like anything was going to happen anytime soon!

On Friday, 30 July, Ivan was moving a little less than normal. I waited it out on Saturday, he was moving a little, but nowhere near what he usually did. Most of that night I stayed up, hoping that he would just go crazy and kick the crap out of me, but he didn't. We headed into labor and delivery on Sunday morning, 1 August. I was hooked up to the machines, and everything looked great! Well, almost everything.

Our little boy was breech. Very breech. He had one foot shoved down as far as it would go, and the other was crossed over at the knee. After quite a few tears we decided that the following Tuesday, 3 August, I would go back into L&D and the doctors would attempt a manual version. For those who don't know- a version is where they try to flip baby from the outside. It has some pretty high risks, including death of the baby. If the version didn't work, I would be having a c-section ASAP. I don't know how I managed to make it through that day and Monday, but I did. Tuesday morning rolled around, and I was TERRIFIED.

I called into L&D a little before 5am to see when I should come in for the version attempt. We promptly left the house and got to the hospital at 0630. I was hooked up to some monitors, got my IV started, and a dose of antibiotics, just incase they had to operate- that way the drugs would already be taking effect. We met with the anesthesologist, who had decided to give me a spinal instead of an epidural, once again- just incase.

I was wheeled to the OR doors at approximately 0900, where I got up, walked to the OR table, and hunched over to get my spinal shot. I knew deep down that I would need it in the end, because Ivan was so far along- they had less than a 50% chance of flipping him. Luke was brought in to be with me during the version- he sat down at the head of the table at 0920 or so, and the version was started at 0924. The two fabulous docs attempted to flip my precious child three different times, but he wasn't moving an inch. His heartrate dropped from 130 to 80 and they couldn't bring it back up.

"Scrub up." I remember hearing those words, even though I was crazy drugged. I never really had a chance to be scared, but I knew that in a few short minutes I would be meeting my baby boy. I couldn't really cry, I was more in shock that this was really about to happen. I held onto Luke's hand for all it was worth, and I prayed. I prayed that I would be alright, that whatever happened would be right. I prayed that my baby would come out screaming, and that he would be healthy.

Remember- they started trying to flip him at 0924. At 0927 the anesthesiologist told Luke to stand up and watch his son come into the world. He stood up, said "It's a boy!" and then I heard the greatest sound. My baby screamed and screamed and screamed. I cried a little more, and then Luke brought him over. He was beautiful.

I got stapled back together, moved onto another bed, and then we had to wait for an xray tech to come in to check my belly- they didn't even have a chance to do a count of everything, so they had to make sure nothing was left in there. Lucky for me- they got everything out on the first try. After they were done, Luke brought Ivan back to me, where I got to hold him for the first time. He screamed a little more, and then just looked at me..like he knew who I was.

A lot happened after that, but it's pretty much the standard hospital stay. I was up and walking within 8 hours of a major abdominal surgery, which really impressed the nurses. I was feeling good, I had my baby, and my husband was still by my side...even though I wasn't pretty and pregnant anymore. I was drugged, had a flabby belly, and could only cry about it all.

We stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning. I walked out of the hospital with no help, and we headed to the house. Ivan is a dream, Luke is a great daddy, Wrinkles isn't crazy, and I'm recovering like a champ.

I got my staples out today, they said everything looks beautiful. The only bad thing is that everything below the waist is swollen, and probably won't go down for awhile. I'm fine with getting up constantly to check on him, to feed him, and just to be a mom. I still haven't taken off my hospital bracelets, and it's been 4 days. I'm still in a dream state, and I'm just not ready to take them off. Yes, they're going in the baby book, but still..They're comforting right now, I guess.

That's all for now, I need to go corrall the dog, and feed my baby. He's really mine!

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers everyone! I can't wait to share him with all you folks back home, and just to really get into the swing of being a real family.

I've never wanted to balance a baby on it's head..

until now.

Long story short- we went into Labor & Delivery this morning, because Krackel hadn't been moving as much as he usually did. Got there, they hooked him up to the monitors, and he started moving around. I guess having brain waves shot through you might do that.

They did an ultrasound before we left, just to make sure everything looked alright- well, it doesn't. He's breech. FREAKING A. This upcoming Tuesday, 3 August..is going to be our little mans birthday. At 5am sharp on Tuesday I've gotta call to L&D to see what time I'm coming in for a manual version. Yes, I'm scared- so don't even ask. I've heard that they're painful, so don't tell me that, either. If he turns, they'll induce me right then. If not, I'm being taken back for a c-section..which I'm also scared of. I guess my plans of a wonderful, natural, waterbirth might possibly be out the window. Oh well.

We're doing my belly casting today (I think) and the rest of today and all day tomorrow--I'm eating all the crap I want, because once Ivan is here- I've gotta start eating healthy. Oh yeah- Fiber One Raisin Bran tastes like cardboard. Just a heads up.