boobies!

It feels like these last few days have been harder than they should be.
I had an appointment with the FAME clinic today, which is basically a counseling clinic if you need it. I was very impatient when I was there, even though I was 20 minutes early. However, I really didn't expect to wait almost 40 minutes to be seen..when there were two other people in the waiting area with me..and they were waiting on people to get done! The guy that I eventually ended up seeing came out and told the receptionist that he "had forgotten that he had a patient, but he was going to go eat lunch early anyways." I was heated. That's when he saw me give her the stink eye..then promptly came back 5 minutes later and called my name. Let's not forget that this is the same guy from my last post who doesn't trust me as a historian of my own life. Piss off.

I don't think I need counseling. I've got a great husband who supports me, and is there for me whether or not I want him to be! I've finally accepted that I won't be able to scare him off anytime soon. Oh well..I guess I'm stuck with him. Too bad.

Things have otherwise been great around the house. Luke leaves for Idaho tomorrow morning and won't be back until Thursday night, so I'm kinda bummed about that. I always get upset when he leaves, even if just for a few days, because as independent as I am, I also know that there are some things that are very hard for me to take care of myself..like if I had another debilitating panic attack and ended up in the hospital again..who would take care of Ivan? It's little things like that which make me very anxious, and very scared.

It would be nice if I had some real friends here who weren't total backstabbers like everyone else is turning out to be. As much as I love my lil man, 3 days of no other human interaction might get the best of me. If it's pretty I might go walk the airfield just to get outside, but I don't know.

I missed church yesterday, as I wasn't ready to face God after what happened on Thursday. Not only was I mad that He could've let me hit rock bottom again after doing so well, I was mad at everyone there. I was mad that no one wants to be my friend, no matter how hard I try. I was mad because I've given up at making friends, because I can't seem to find someone that I click with- and I know that once I do, we'll just be moving again. I was just mad at the world, so I stayed home with Luke and the baby, got some laundry done, and watched some Prison Break. I've got a crush on Dominic Purcell...but don't tell anyone!

So, in other news: there is a girl who works at the bikini coffee hut near our house that has MASSIVE boobs. Those bad boys must weigh 10lbs apiece. Note: I don't go there to look at the chicks. I go there because they're the only hut I've found with the powdered chai in the flavor I like. But still- major tatas! They're always so nice there- it seems like even though they're showing off their bodies all day, that they like the break of not having someone look at them like a piece of meat. I just want my soy chai, and nothing more.

I'm also looking for someone to make a custom header for me...any takers? I can't offer much, besides maybe some cupcakes or something..but I would really love to have one.

It's been a long week already.

So as some of you know- I ended up in the hospital on Thursday afternoon, and didn't get to leave until late Friday morning. I'm fine now, but I really wasn't fine then. Don't believe me if I tell you that I was, because I wasn't. Not even close. I'm not going to go into detail about any of it, as it really isn't the business of anyone except for mine, but the world isn't crashing down anymore.

Today I have an appointment with a psychologist on post...and I'm pretty flippin scared. Not only do I not know where the building is- which makes me very very anxious, but I also have a feeling I'll be seeing the same guy that I saw at the hospital. Not a good idea.

Apparently I don't give out enough information when I answer questions. I try to be direct and to the point, especially when I'm upset about something, or pissed off at the person asking the questions. Somehow or another me being direct leads people to believe that I'm not a good historian of my own life, as I don't give out unnecessary details. Last I checked I'm the only one who has lived my life...so don't go around trying to change things around just because I give short answers and you don't like it. Oh, another thing..don't go around putting everything I say in "quotations." Like the fact that I was "sexually assaulted." It's not a good idea to do that crap after you question my ability to recall things that happened to me. They didn't happen to you, they happened to ME. No, I wasn't assaulted- I was actually on the damn ferris wheel, I just THOUGHT that I was touched inappropriately. Right. I just thought it happened.

I really REALLY love my husband. And my son. I even love our ugly dog.

That is all.

apologies

I wasn't trying to be bitchy and whiny in my last post, so I'm sorry.



Okay, I lied. I wasn't TRYING to be that way...but I was having a pity party over here for myself. I'm allowed to cry every now and then, right?

So yeah. If you've got a problem with it..screw you.

I guess it's time to stop lying to myself.

For those of you who know me- you know that I wanted a 1538% natural waterbirth. However, I didn't have that. I had a csection instead. Not only did my dream get squished in under a minute when they couldn't flip him, I also didn't have a chance to comprehend what was happening. I love my son so, so, so much..but I just wish it could've somehow been different. I know being jealous isn't good..but I'm afraid that I'm envious of you mommas who were able to have the birth that you wanted.
It kills me every day that I wasn't able to bring my baby into the world like a "real woman." And it's stupid. It's stupid that I resent a surgery that saved the life of my baby boy. It's stupid that I'm so upset about something that miniscule, but I am.

There. I said it. I was thinking about it earlier today- not only am I jealous of those who had their perfect birth, but I'm also mad at you. I'm mad that you were able to get it, and I wasn't. I'm mad that my body wasn't able to work right. I'm mad at God for putting me through it, making me feel like less of a woman, and just generally letting me be bitter over the whole thing..but in all reality, I'm not mad. I know that I've been super blessed with this little angel, that I was picked to be a mom..that his life was put into MY hands..that God knew I would do my best to raise him. So why do I still cry about it? Why do I cry for something that was "lost," when it was really never mine to begin with? I mean..I'm still a mother. I'm still there for my baby when he cries, I'm still doing everything to the best of my ability, so why do I feel like the worst mother in the world? Is it because I had to have a csection, or is it because I'm just crazy?

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

Well, I just downloaded the new Amy Grant CD. I used to have one of her older albums, and it was always very.. uplifting. I guess that would be the world. I need to get my life in order..and the only way for me to do that is leave certain things and people behind, and open up so that better things can come in, and so that I can surround myself with good people.

I look over at my baby boy who -was- asleep, and I know that I don't want him around things that will hold him back. Yes, he's only 2 months old, but I want to start him out right. I want to have him at church every Sunday that I can. I don't want him to grow up and not care like I did. I REALLY don't want him to have teenage years like I did, so I guess it's time to start now.

So, where do I even begin? I'm not a good "friend maker." Pretty sure I've only spent time with 3 different gals since moving here. Yes, there's the FRG, and they're nice..but I don't see them outside of those meetings. Out of the 3 that I kinda became friends with, one dwindled over time- I guess I was too young for her? One just kinda disappeared, and one more just had a baby last week...I'm not sure we were "friends" to start with though. She's nice, so maybe it'll happen, who knows.

I also sucked it up and went and introduced myself on Sunday to the other blogger that I found on Google. It was hard enough for me to go up to a complete stranger and just hope that I had the right person. Turns out, it was her. She was also nice. I really hope that we can be friends, as not only would it be nice to have a friend (haha) but she was kind, and she's Christian. Lord knows I need a good Christian friend.

Lately I've been standing on my own two feet, and now I've got a pair of watchful eyes looking up to me. I'm going to need help to make it through these next 20 years. What if love isn't enough?

Forgiveness, such a simple word- but it's so hard to do when you've been hurt.

It's so so so very hard to do. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to be smart about it all and just let it go. I always say that I've forgiven, but why can't I forget? It's not my place to judge, but I just can't let go. I'm who I am because of everything, but I'm still lost.

Everyone, please if you have a second, pray that I find my way, that I find God again, and that I can forgive and forget.

can google be the start of a friendship?

Well, I am completely exhausted. The more I think about it, the more I realize how crappy of a housewife I am. I don't keep the place clean. I don't always have dinner on the table. Before Ivan was here, I did. Well, the house wasn't always spotless, but at least I enjoyed cooking enough to want to have something made for Luke at night. I love my baby, but I wish he would let me set him down so that I can get things done around here. We're not even totally unpacked from moving- luckily most of that stuff is in the garage and you can't see it. I just need one really good day of cleaning to get this joint in shape, and I'll be happy...but wait! Let's bring in the poop monster. If I'm not holding him, he's crying. My dear husband will hold him and sometimes all he does is scream and cry, which tears me up- so I can't get anything done because I go to him so that I don't have to hear him wail. I don't know what it is. He'll be completely happy with me, but as soon as I hand him off, wham- the crying starts.

Maybe I should trade babysitting services with someone who will come clean my house. Wouldn't that be great?

One thing I thought was great this past week: I had started following a blog a while back, I pretty much googled for another army wife blog. I didn't say where, I just wanted a blog to follow. Well, I found one that is written by a Christian army wife. That's what I try to be, but we all know how that's worked out. Lo and behold...I could've sworn I saw her at church this past Sunday. We hadn't been in over a month, but we went, I finally got to sit down after dealing with a fussy baby for most of the service, I looked up, and there she was. How neat is that? I mean, I guess there are only so many places that the wives would be...but I mean, I googled and found this blog, so what are the chances that she would be at Ft. Lewis, even at the same service that we were at? I haven't decided, but maybe this next Sunday I'll go say hi. Maybe we'll end up friends. Probably not, but it's worth a shot.

Ivan had his 2 month appt on Tuesday- he's not a whopping 12.8 lbs. Such a little chunker! That's right at 4+ what he was at birth. 2 whole months ago..it's crazy how time flies when you're exhausted and hormonal. There was some fun in there too, but mostly sleepless nights and tears. He's actually asleep right now, so I'm going to attempt to put him down so that I can at least get a little bit of cleaning done before my head starts throbbing again.

These last 2 months have been interesting.

That is all.