Infidelity, best friends, and learning to forgive.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
 
Okay, so this is going to be a touchy subject for some. Others will want to give advice, and others will say "leave and don't look back."

Some people feel that emotional cheating is not the same to physical cheating. I believe that cheating is cheating, no ifs ands or buts. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation right now. I don't know the details, and I don't need to..but I know that it hurts. Noone knows the full details to the situation that my husband and I are in except for us and God, and no one needs to.

I no longer have a best friend who can help me through things that might happen. I'm pretty much on my own out here and it's rough. I've made it for 1.5 years on my own, though..so I know that I underestimated myself when we moved out here. Things have come up that I've had to deal with, and things have come up that I couldn't deal with alone, but had to anyway. I miss having friends.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, but I want to touch on the subject of forgiveness right quick. Something happened with me 6 years ago that was traumatizing, to say the least. I hospital jumped for a couple of years, trying to find help, and trying to learn to let go..but I never found comfort. I always thought that I had forgiven and moved on, but it still haunted my dreams. I still had panic attacks all the time and I still cried for no reason. I saw the man who had hurt me one night, and I forgave him. I don't know why, and I don't know how, but I did. I still hurt all the time, but I'm not angry at him anymore.

Forgiveness is something that you must learn to do. If you've never really been hurt then I don't believe that it's that hard..but when your trust has been broken time and time again, that's when it's harder to do. It gets to the point that you don't want to forgive because you get tired of getting taken advantage of. You start staying angry at whoever hurt you..but when you're able to let it all go- it's so freeing.

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

February 24 is the day!

They love each other!

Things that make life easier?

If things can make my life a little bit easier, I'm all for it.

Are you good at cleaning? That's great, come help me straighten up my house!
Are you Dora the Explorer? You get on my nerves, but you keep my son happy so that I can write this blog!
Are you a CUPCAKE MAKER?!?! Come home to me!

Last night, my husband bought me a cupcake maker...and I'm in love.
I usually enjoy making everything from scratch, and beating the eggs and batter by hand or with my wonderful KitchenAid. I like the waiting that you have to endure while the cakes are in the oven, and then I enjoy savoring them once they're cooled and frosted.
But this new appliance that has made its way into my kitchen has me feeling like a kid again. Not only can you make cupcakes in it, you can make tarts, pies, cheesecakes, you name it- you can probably make it in it. Know what else is awesome? It only took 7 minutes to cook a full batch of corn muffins, when it usually takes 20ish in the oven, plus 10 minutes to preheat. So 7 minutes, or 30?

This morning I made corn bread muffins, just to be able to use it!

After 7 long minutes...(and I actually left them in a little bit too long..)

After 7 long minutes...(and I actually left them in a little bit too long..)

Earlier in the day Luke graduated..congrats to hubby on his degree!

We also had another big milestone that was met with flying colors..6 months of breastfeeding! If it hadn't been for Luke, Ivan would probably be eating formula today. I wanted to give up after the first week. It hurt, we weren't very good at it, and it was making me exhausted! But on Feb 3, I hit my 6 month mark. I figure Ivan can nurse until he's 2 if he wants it. That might change when he gets older- he might go beyond 2 years, or he might self wean before then. Either way, I'm pretty stinking proud.

Well, today was a long day to say the least. It was a good day, just a long one.

This morning we went to a gun show in Puyallup. I finally settled on the Tanfoglio Witness 10mm. I went between it and a Beretta for quite awhile, but finally made up my mind. After all of the deliberation, we found out that they don't take plastic...and we couldn't use it as a debit card at an ATM. Maybe later on this week we'll be able to look at some of the shops around here, and see what they have as well.

Tonight we went to Olive Garden. This is usually our go-to restaurant, as the service is usually decent, and it's just where we always go. Kind of like some people have "their song," this is the same thing. Let me start out by saying that I've worked in my share of restaurants, so I know about being a server, working crazy shifts, everything.
We got there and had to wait almost 30 minutes. Fine. They were busy, I can understand that, as it's 630pm...but there are empty tables all around, as there is no server for them. Why wouldn't you have a full wait staff in the middle of the dinner rush?
So, we get seated and Ivan is fussy. This really doesn't bother me, as I come equipped with two milk making pacifiers. Pretty cool, huh? Anyways, as I'm calming Ivan down, our server comes over and lets us know that she'll be right back over in two minutes. She holds up one finger. She then realizes that she said two minutes, and is holding up only one..She gives a confused look, and then holds up two. She comes back, and says something about giving us more time, and then disappears for 10 minutes..then comes back again, and asks if we want water or something. Luke gets his food..eats everything and I still don't know where mine is. I easily waited 20 more minutes for it to show up...after I had to ask another server for it.
After all of this, our original waitress brought us our check. It was $114. Takes her another 10 minutes to fix this.

I'm very upset, very frustrated, and want to leave.

We end up tipping a guy who wasn't our server, but that took care of us when our incompetent server couldn't. She got $1.30 and he got $5.

That's what happens when you give crappy service and your tip-o-meter starts going down. At least I didn't leave her a note like I did the last bad waiter that we had.

Somewhere, over the rainbow...

Well, Luke got orders...we're moving to Kansas, baby!

I won't lie, I was upset at first...I mean, it's Kansas. But the more I think about it, the more excited I get! I don't like that the high there yesterday was 18, and I don't like how people keep telling me that there is nothing there..but they have thunderstorms! And they have tornadoes, and it'll hopefully be the "small town" feeling that I love so much.

Maybe I should get a head start on making friends, since it took me over a year to really click with anyone here. Either way, the idea of moving to Ft. Riley is really growing on me. I'll then be within a 12 hour drive of my family (instead of 5 day), and maybe I'll get to see them more than once a year! Maybe I'll even make a special trip for Christmas.

Luke also has TDY in Monfreakingtana at the end of March. He leaves on my 21st birthday. Can you tell I'm NOT excited about this? I started out upset, and then I got mad, and now I just don't care. I might fly to see my family in TN, or I might just stay home and celebrate alone. I'm leaning towards just staying here, because it will cost extra to put Wrinkles up for the week that the two of us would be gone. I mean, I could always just go out with Ivan and get myself a dessert and a glass of wine, right? That could be fun.

I'm also getting another tattoo for my birthday (sorry mom!) It's going to be a sea turtle with Ivan's name/initials in the shell. This is another thing I'm excited about. For awhile I was only having one person do all of my tattoos, but I've also had the guy that does Luke's work do one on me, and this time I'm probably going to have a shop out here, Spider Monkey, do this one. I'm thinking I'll either put it on my shoulder or the back of my calf. I really haven't decided yet. I could always do one calf, and then do the other calf when we have another baby!

Speaking of which, I want another little one! If someone would sponsor us to allow me to adopt a child, I would be forever grateful to you. I really wish that I could make a difference in the life of someone else, but Luke and I can always have another child of our own, and then after they are grown and gone...I could adopt and add on to our family. It might not be what I'm going to be blessed with, but if it's what God wants to give me, then I'm game!

Whatever, dude.

This post is going to be me being frustrated, me being mad at the system, and also me just being confused.

Those of you who know me might know that I've had problems with my knee since I was a freshman in high school. Well, with starting the Couch 2 5k program, the high impact-ness of it has really done a number on making my joints hurt again.

Today was week 2, day 2 for me. Luke and I set off from the house with Ivan in the jogging stroller and I didn't even make it halfway through the first run. My knee has so much pressure inside of it, and it was hurting to even move it. I wanted to continue on, but my wonderful honey thought it would be best if we headed home so that I could rest it a little bit. We got home and I decided that I was going to head to the Walk In Clinic near our house just to see if there was anything that they could do to help me out.
I went by there about 2 months ago because I was so sick that I couldn't breathe and I was just 100% miserable. At that time, the receptionist had me sign a paper saying that I would pay whatever portion Triwest didn't pay. Apparently they had been having problems with insurance paying because people were using an Urgent Care center for their everyday doctor, like when kids needed shots and someone had a cold.

Now for the part that confuses me: You're supposed to go see your normal doctor if you can, because an UC center is for the "I'm hurt/sick and need to be seen now. I can't wait for an appointment next week." WELL, this facility always asks for a referral from your regular doctor..that way Tricare "covers it." WOULDN'T I HAVE MY NORMAL FREAKING DOCTOR TREAT ME INSTEAD? Why in the hell would I wait a week to see my regular doctor to get an unneeded referral to an urgent care? Seriously?

I'm sure none of this makes sense, but I'm so frustrated!

Couch to 5k, Week 2.

Last week I started the C25K program. I wasn't happy that I had to run, but it's starting to grow on me. Yesterday I started week 2, day 1. You have a 5 minute warm-up walk, then alternate between running 90 sec and walking 120 sec, then another 5 minute cool-down walk. I'm not really dying like I was the first week, and I only took a 5 second break, where I walked instead of jogged. 

Ivan doesn't like being in his stroller, which makes it hard for me to get out and run during the day. Yesterday I made it a little over 5 minutes before he started screaming (not just crying, he was SCREAMING). I turned around and came back home, and then we had take 2 today. 

I've also been going to the gym here lately, but I don't really "work out." It's more of a running on the elliptical for 10 minutes before I get frustrated and quit. Then I go walk a mile or so, and then maybe sit in the sauna for another 10 minutes. By the time I'm done, I know that Ivan is probably screaming at home, and that Luke is needing a break. I load back up in the car, and head home, upset with myself for not sucking it up and doing more. I don't use the machines because I don't know how. I hate working out in front of people for this very reason. Maybe if it was me and one other person in the weight room, until I figure out how to use everything...then maybe I would use the machines. For now I'll stick to things that frustrate me, yet I know how to use them. 

Not a lot besides that has been going on out here in WA. I've made another friend (hi kearstie!) but that's about it. However, it's nice to be able to talk to someone else who has a baby that is Ivan's age. Now we just need to get the boys together to play! 

I don't know what having a baby has done to me..but I'll be domesticated in no time. I'm going to try my hand at making dryer balls this weekend. I'm hoping that they help with my cloth diaper problem, but if they don't, it'll at least help cut our electric bill. A big thanks goes out to Jean Van Effen for the wool yarn & roving- I almost sent Luke into work tonight to pick it up so that I could get started already! 

One other thing of importance is coming up...My mother and aunt are going to be here in two weeks! We're going to go to Pike's Place, the Space Needle, we might go to see the troll under the bridge, and we'll probably go shopping at some point. I am EXCITED. As much as I love my sweet angel son, it'll be nice to go out for an hour or two with Luke, and not have to worry about who will hold him first while the other one eats. I'm going to hate leaving him at home..but I know that he'll be in good hands with them. 

 

Adoption

I want to adopt a baby Or toddler. Or even an older child. That is all.

Asian women....and rubber ducks?

are simply lovely.

Luke, Ivan, and my lovely self went to Tea Leaf II tonight. It was DELICIOUS, and our server/hostess/whatever her title was..she was lovely. Ivan was alright until our food arrived, but then started getting a little fussy. Our waitress came over and scooped him up, and I wasn't really totally freaked out. She walked around with him a little bit and he was completely content. Crazy how sometimes babies just want something besides mommy. It upset me that I couldn't make him happy, but it was funny how she was so great with him, and how he was so at home in her arms.

It did freak me out that as much of a protective mama bear I am..I wasn't as freaked out by her taking him. That, my friends...freaked me out. I mean, I had a guy at church take him one morning and pretty much refuse to give him back, and I was very upset with the whole ordeal..but this time was different for some reason. I was freaked out at the fact that I wasn't as freaked out as I thought I would be. Make sense?

Now, I think that everyone needs to go check out Injera and Chocolate Gravy, and tell them I sent you! They're a family who already had 4 kids, and then adopted 3 more precious babies from Ethiopia. I would LOVE to be able to do this, and maybe one day I'll be so blessed as to be able to do it.

Right now, we've got our friend John Hendricks (who better comment on this..yes, I'm threatening) and his two boys over. His youngest is playing this ninja panda video game...I'm not sure I'm ready for Ivan to grow up and play this crap. Lucky for me, Ivan is happy lounging around in his Hooters onesie, drooling on everything that comes near his mouth.

I guess since we're past Christmas, I should say a little about it, as well. Luke got a beer making kit along with a few other things, I got my favorite movie, The Sound of Music, and some more items that made me happy. Ivan got lots of great toys, and we ended up also fostering a dog, Teddy.

Oh, and there's a new rubber duckie out that I want. That is all.

Okay, so you know the feeling that you get right before you give into your addiction? If you don't, then let me tell you...it's amazing. Like, you know you probably shouldn't do it..but you can't help it? I used to get that feeling all the time. Like when I was constantly getting tattoos. Or like when I smoked. I would always feel jittery right before I did either one, just filled with this crazy anticipation...

I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost 2 years..and I also haven't gotten a tattoo since 4th of July 2009. But I still get the jitters every once in awhile- like when I buy cloth diapers. Yes, cloth diapers.

Tonight I bought my first BSRB diaper, which stands for Bagshot Row Bamboo. I've wanted one since we started using cloth, but never had a chance to get one, as they would all sell before I could get to them. Tonight, when Luke was hitting the "pay" button...I got that feeling again. It really took me by surprise, because I mean..it's a diaper. But there I was, getting antsy right before we bought it..and then the payment went through. I finally breathed a sigh of relief.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still partake in some hookah every now and again, and I'm counting down the days until I get my next tattoo (which will be a sea turtle with Ivan's initials somewhere on it..) but it's been so long since I had "the feeling." It was awesome.