It kills me every day that I wasn't able to bring my baby into the world like a "real woman." And it's stupid. It's stupid that I resent a surgery that saved the life of my baby boy. It's stupid that I'm so upset about something that miniscule, but I am.
There. I said it. I was thinking about it earlier today- not only am I jealous of those who had their perfect birth, but I'm also mad at you. I'm mad that you were able to get it, and I wasn't. I'm mad that my body wasn't able to work right. I'm mad at God for putting me through it, making me feel like less of a woman, and just generally letting me be bitter over the whole thing..but in all reality, I'm not mad. I know that I've been super blessed with this little angel, that I was picked to be a mom..that his life was put into MY hands..that God knew I would do my best to raise him. So why do I still cry about it? Why do I cry for something that was "lost," when it was really never mine to begin with? I mean..I'm still a mother. I'm still there for my baby when he cries, I'm still doing everything to the best of my ability, so why do I feel like the worst mother in the world? Is it because I had to have a csection, or is it because I'm just crazy?
God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
Trust me natural birth isn't that great! Did it the first time and honestly I liked my c-section better :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it's not the most pleasant thing..but it's what I had wished & hoped for ever since I had wanted a baby. I just feel kind of robbed.
ReplyDeleteMy birth story didn't go according to plan the first time around. I ended up having a c-section. With the second one, the surgery was planned. With that said... I had trouble breastfeeding both my babies. They had to have formula. I can't tell you how it feel to hear pro-boob people bash formula moms, how it feels to not be able to bond with your baby in that way... I have shed millions of tears over that situation & it's not my fault. I felt the anger you're describing. And, the resentment. I felt like a failure. I have a condition that makes nursing pretty much impossible. I wondered why God wouldn't make me equipped. Then, I stop & think about the fact that my babies are here. They're MINE. They're healthy & smart & beautiful. They don't love me any less for my short comings. Ivan won't have any clue that he was yanked from you (the way my girls were from me). He'll just be happy he's not stuck in your uterus anymore. ;)
ReplyDeleteLove ya, girl. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
your a great mother, and in 10 years from now you probably won't be thinking about how upsetting it was to have a C-section. its ok to be upset and angry because things didn't happen exactly how you wanted, but don't let it take over your thought process or your emotional stability. it was nothing that you did wrong, it was in God's hands the entire time. baby ivan loves you (and will always love you) and i love you. don't be to hard on yourself dear. you are doing and have done the best you can! Be proud of yourself! me and your family sure are proud of you! :]
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. I went through 15 hours of labor and ended up having a c-section because my little girl was in distress with every contraction. I cried and was short with my family because they agreed with the doctors and didn't want me to wait any longer.
ReplyDeleteTurns out she was completely wrapped up in her umbilical cord and I wouldn't have been able to deliver her naturally anyway :(
My husband and I originally wanted only one baby, but I also feel like I've been robbed, both with natural childbirth and breastfeeding, so I brought up the possibility of having another. I know not many doctors like VBACs but if we do have another, I hope to have one and hope to God I can breastfeed too.