Dear deployment, I rocked you.

It's been almost a year since I've posted here- wow! Time flies when you're having fun!

Last year on March 22, Luke left for his third deployment. It was our "first" together. His last deployment I was so in love with him that it broke my heart to watch him leave, even though we weren't together. This time was so much worse.

I was 8 weeks pregnant when he left, and I was dreading facing this pregnancy alone, as well as trying to raise Ivan by myself while his dad was on the other side of the world. The days before he left I was a huge ball of emotions. I cried at nothing. I cried at night when I thought he was asleep, but he was always there to hold me and let me sob on his chest. I remember the morning that he left- I couldn't stop shaking. We left our house and I drove- thinking that maybe I could stay calm. We both cried all the way to the drop off point. If watching my other half walk away was hard, watching him kiss Ivan goodbye was even harder. Ivan didn't know what was coming. That day was the first time I had ever seen Luke cry, and knowing that he was in that much pain made my heart shatter.

The days came and went, some with tears, some without, but we made it. I found out that we were having a little girl and couldn't wait to tell Luke! I had planned on making a huge "It's a girl!" care package, but my excitement had me calling him as soon as my appointment was over. I knew he was exhausted, but he stayed awake long enough for that phone call. I was still due on Halloween, and I was still hoping to go past my due date so that I could take Ivan out and get him dressed up.

I kept hearing that he might be coming home soon, and that it might be for good!

On October 20 I woke up before the sun and couldn't make myself stay in bed any longer. He was coming home TOMORROW! I cleaned, procrastinated with some birth related things, and tried to relax. I slept for about 2 hours that night so excited about picking him up- my time was finally here, and I couldn't wait for the kiss that I had so desperately wanted for the past 7 months. He called saying his flight had been delayed- I was less than thrilled because I had been having contractions off and on all morning. I don't know if it was the stress, the excitement, or just time for Grace to make her appearance..but she was waiting patiently for her daddy to be home to welcome her into the world.

At 435 the plane landed. I waited not so patiently at the airport with Ivan, and our photographer Rachel. Rachel said "Hey, there's a plane!" AND THERE HE WAS!

All the months of waiting were worth that first kiss, that first hug, that moment of knowing that he's home and he's safe.

It could be Ivan.

There is a little boy who goes to the same church I do. I haven't met his family, I haven't met him, and I don't know anything about them. Here is a Facebook post that was made on the church page..

"Brady was diagnosed with atypical teratoid/rhabdoid tumor (ATRT) of the central

nervous system. It is a very rare tumor, tends to be aggressive and frequently

spreads through the central nervous system.

Because of his age they have given him a 20% chance of survival."

Oh. My. Goodness. My heart is breaking for this family. I know his mother has got to be scared to death, and I know I definitely wouldn't be holding it together if I was in her shoes.

All I can think about is that it could be Ivan. Brady and Ivan are close in age, and it absolutely terrifies me that anything like that can happen to our precious babies. I know in my heart that he really isn't mine, he is God's..but I'm here to protect him! Ivan is my whole entire world!


Friends, please keep this family in your prayers. They have headed to St. Jude's in Memphis for the next few months, and while I know that God is in control, I just wish that there was more that I could do.

It's almost time.

I've known that this deployment is coming...and it hasn't seemed real, as Luke hadn't received his orders yet. He got them today. We're buying a house right before he leaves, and I'm scared. I'm not ready to be alone for the year. Ivan and I will be fine, but we're going to miss him.

Save a place for me, I'll be there soon.

I heard a song today by Matthew West, called "Save a Place For Me."

Six years and some change ago I lost a friend in an auto accident, his name was Kyle. There is zero doubt in my mind that he changed my life.

The day after an incident my freshman year of highschool, I got to talk to him for what seemed like the first time. I was heartbroken, I was broken beyond repair, and I was contemplating leaving this world, because it was too much for me to handle.

I was 14 and I was sexually molested by someone I trusted, by someone that I looked up to, by a teacher of mine at the time, by someone who didn't know that he would shatter my world into a million pieces. He had no idea that I would still be trying to repair my life almost 10 years later.

I remember the conversation between myself and my dear friend, just like it was yesterday. We hadn't talked in a long time, but he still assured me that he was there for me. He told me that I was worth more than I knew, my life was going to be more, as long as I gave it a chance. Before we talked that night, I was ready to show my ass to the world, give everyone the middle finger, and say peace out.

Today...I'm alive. Most days I'm happy.

If I had left this earth 8 years ago...I wouldn't have my son. I wouldn't have a smart ass husband. I wouldn't be living in the middle of nowhere, Kansas, but its alright. I'm not alone in it anymore. Save a place for me buddy, I'll be there to hang out soon enough.

You have a terrible infestation of cockroaches.

Well, we got into the Fort Riley area this past Sunday, the 17th.

The first house we looked at was in a terrible neighborhood. I was scared I would get shot for looking at someone wrong.

The second house...I was really excited about. It was a 5b/2ba, in a very nice part of town. The owner told us that the last tenants had trashed it...and they had, which we saw when we looked inside. Holes in doors, shattered windows, it all needed to be repainted. We decided that they would keep working on the house if we moved in, and just work around us. I saw a few bugs, but didn't think it was going to be a serious problem. I spoke to the owner and told him that in order for us to move in, he had to hire a professional carpet cleaning service (since you have to clean between tenants anyway) and a pest control company. Orkin came by that house earlier today while I was helping paint some..she said she wouldn't even let Ivan in the house if he was her child, because the roaches were so bad! I had NO IDEA. I saw a few dead ones, and one or two live ones, figured we could spray for them ourselves. Nope, she said it was 100x worse than we thought, and it would be a week minimum before we should move in, and that we should really wait longer. The A/C was busted, the garage door had a window shattered, it was a total disaster. One more big problem...the owner is now wanting for us to pay him a total of $240 to cover the carpet cleaning and Orkin treatments! Yeah, both of those needed to be done before anyone would even think of moving in, and it's not like he's going to reimburse us for the work that we did! Sometimes I hate that I'm such a giving person! I wasted my time helping this guy out and then he wants to come back to us and bend us over! Yeah, I think not.

Good news? I found another house...it's much nicer than those two, in a new neighborhood, and I'm feeling great. We're going to wait to sign any kind of lease, so hopefully everything works out, since it's a 9-12mo wait to get into post housing!

These past few days have been so stressful for me! While the movers were here, I won't lie, I smoked a few clove cigarettes. I was close to having panic attacks every single day, and I can't take my anti-anxiety meds while breastfeeding Ivan. (For the record, we've been going strong for almost a year! Yay!!) So I indulged. I figured they weren't as bad as regular tobacco. I'm still wanting some with all the stress I've been dealing with the past few days, but I'm trying to stay away from them.

That should be all for now! It's almost 10pm here in our new timezone, and Ivan has just now fallen asleep. He's still getting used to the time change, since it's only almost 8 in WA!

You all know I love comments!!

Seriously, you need to water your grass.

My old landlord, Sharon, came to show our Lacey, WA house about a week before we moved out. Apparently I hadn't been watering my grass enough...it was 100% dead. She didn't supply the hose and the water, so I'm not going to water it. Last I checked, every other house in the neighborhood had grass just as dead as mine! Funny thing about it, a lot of them watered their grass...and it was still dead.

On our trip from WA to KS, we passed a stretch of land that was all dead, except for a house on top of the hill that had very very very green grass around it. I wasn't really paying attention because I was driving, but I said something about how pretty the grass was. Wanna know what Luke said??

"See that house on top of the hill with the green grass? Sharon lives there."

I wasn't expecting that at all, and couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.

Blinky, I will run you over.

A few weeks ago while turning left, across traffic, into Win-co..I almost ran over a paraplegic. I wasn't doing it to be mean, I wasn't doing it on purpose, but everyone with common sense knows that when you're crossing the road with either the red hand or the green walking guy...YOU DON'T CROSS WHEN YOU HAVE THE RED HAND!!!!

I saw this guy stop because he had the hand, and then look because there wasn't anyone turning at that very moment, and then he decided to start crossing. Cue me turning left across traffic, risking life and limb to get to Win-co, and to my house. He stops in the middle of the road, causing me to stop in the middle of traffic. He looks at me like "WTF are you doing, crazy lady?!" and kind of nods me on...so I start to go, and then he starts going again! I was having a very bad day to start with, so from the safety of my own car, with the windows up, I yelled at him. I said something along the lines of....
"You don't cross with the red freaking hand! Everyone with a brain knows this! I almost ran over your stupid self, because you went when there was the hand. You only go when you have the green guy!! I don't care if you can't even blink by yourself, but you don't go when you have the hand!!!!"

Definitely not one of my proudest moments.

4 days!

We have something important coming up. The movers will be here in 4 days, and then we will be on our way to Ft. Riley, KS!!! Yippie!

That means I'll only be a 12 hour drive away from my family, instead of a 5 day drive.

And in other news: I adopted another dog. She's a Spanish/English Mastiff mix, and her name is Daisy. At only 11 weeks old, she's already 30 lbs and half the size of Luke's 2 yr old English Bulldog, Wrinkles...and she weighs more than my almost 1 year old. She's gonna be big, folks!

Pregnant....again?

No, just kidding.

Actually, I'm just asking everyone to pray for a friend's son.

Christin over at http://babyboybryant.blogspot.com/ is a great mother, and a wonderful woman. Her son, Cohen, has been through a lot in his short little life, and yesterday he had his heel cords clipped, adenoids removed and a broncoscopy. From what I hear, he's doing as well as can be expected right now- he's such a little trooper! I've never met him (living on opposite sides of the country and all) but I know he's a doll!

Thanks guys, I know she'll appreciate it!

And no, I'm seriously not pregnant. Not for a long time.

Construction engineer for hire!

Tonight, in a fight for my life- I came out on top. Against a baby gate.

Ivan has been keeping me on my toes, between crawling from one end of the house to the other, stopping in the kitchen to play in the dog's water, and then starting up again.

Tonight I went to Target in search of the perfect gate. I was armed with a gift card from my parents, research that I did before going, and a happy baby.

I didn't want one of the short wooden ones, because they're too much to mess with every time Wrinkles wants to go out, and it's a pain to close them while holding a baby. I found a Munchkin brand gate that sold for 50.99, which was great..because I had a $50 gift card. That gate didn't work. Online it said it extended up to 52" which I liked, because our doorway opening is 46". It only extends to 35" or so, without extensions. They didn't sell the needed extensions at the store, so I had to go to plan B. I ended up getting a different Munchkin gate- the extra tall and extra wide.

I liked my second choice more so than my first, but I had to pay $30 out of pocket. Not a big deal, but having it be free would be better.

I got home and started putting the gate together..and it almost killed me, to say the least. I now have a headache, and am exhausted. I won't try installing anything like that again by myself..especially when I'm wrangling a 10 month old and a dog.