Adoption

I want to adopt a baby Or toddler. Or even an older child. That is all.

Asian women....and rubber ducks?

are simply lovely.

Luke, Ivan, and my lovely self went to Tea Leaf II tonight. It was DELICIOUS, and our server/hostess/whatever her title was..she was lovely. Ivan was alright until our food arrived, but then started getting a little fussy. Our waitress came over and scooped him up, and I wasn't really totally freaked out. She walked around with him a little bit and he was completely content. Crazy how sometimes babies just want something besides mommy. It upset me that I couldn't make him happy, but it was funny how she was so great with him, and how he was so at home in her arms.

It did freak me out that as much of a protective mama bear I am..I wasn't as freaked out by her taking him. That, my friends...freaked me out. I mean, I had a guy at church take him one morning and pretty much refuse to give him back, and I was very upset with the whole ordeal..but this time was different for some reason. I was freaked out at the fact that I wasn't as freaked out as I thought I would be. Make sense?

Now, I think that everyone needs to go check out Injera and Chocolate Gravy, and tell them I sent you! They're a family who already had 4 kids, and then adopted 3 more precious babies from Ethiopia. I would LOVE to be able to do this, and maybe one day I'll be so blessed as to be able to do it.

Right now, we've got our friend John Hendricks (who better comment on this..yes, I'm threatening) and his two boys over. His youngest is playing this ninja panda video game...I'm not sure I'm ready for Ivan to grow up and play this crap. Lucky for me, Ivan is happy lounging around in his Hooters onesie, drooling on everything that comes near his mouth.

I guess since we're past Christmas, I should say a little about it, as well. Luke got a beer making kit along with a few other things, I got my favorite movie, The Sound of Music, and some more items that made me happy. Ivan got lots of great toys, and we ended up also fostering a dog, Teddy.

Oh, and there's a new rubber duckie out that I want. That is all.

Okay, so you know the feeling that you get right before you give into your addiction? If you don't, then let me tell you...it's amazing. Like, you know you probably shouldn't do it..but you can't help it? I used to get that feeling all the time. Like when I was constantly getting tattoos. Or like when I smoked. I would always feel jittery right before I did either one, just filled with this crazy anticipation...

I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost 2 years..and I also haven't gotten a tattoo since 4th of July 2009. But I still get the jitters every once in awhile- like when I buy cloth diapers. Yes, cloth diapers.

Tonight I bought my first BSRB diaper, which stands for Bagshot Row Bamboo. I've wanted one since we started using cloth, but never had a chance to get one, as they would all sell before I could get to them. Tonight, when Luke was hitting the "pay" button...I got that feeling again. It really took me by surprise, because I mean..it's a diaper. But there I was, getting antsy right before we bought it..and then the payment went through. I finally breathed a sigh of relief.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still partake in some hookah every now and again, and I'm counting down the days until I get my next tattoo (which will be a sea turtle with Ivan's initials somewhere on it..) but it's been so long since I had "the feeling." It was awesome. 

We went to a new church this morning...All I can say is wow. Not only was it like a freaking rock concert where everyone was possessed..there were 17 people on stage. Okay, I understand 6 or 7..but 17? Seriously? And then we were shown where to sit. Fine, I get that. But to tell us that we need to sit in the back because we have a baby? Way to separate us from everyone else. Then..to top everything off, I had a lady turn around and tell me that it wasn't appropriate for me to feed my hungry child in church. Wait- wasn't that a coffee cup that I saw in her hand? For one, you couldn't see anything when Ivan was eating. I hate putting a blanket over him, but I did. Second- even if you could see something....IT'S WHAT BOOBS ARE FOR!!! And third...Screw you, you meddling old woman. I was sitting in the row behind you- why are you even looking back here?

You know when everything is going perfectly- when the house is clean, the baby is sleeping through the night, and it just all seems so great? You know the feeling after everything is perfect- when the world crashes down around you? When you realized that everything really isn't perfect, that all you've done is shove everything in the back of your mind, tried to cover it up, and made new memories in order to really bury it? But then...you also realize that it isn't working. It never worked, you just pretended that it did...that way no one sees you crumble?

Okay, I know that I've said I've forgiven a certain someone. Well, I have..but I haven't forgotten. I've tried to, but I CAN'T DO IT! I'm feeling super over emotional about all of this. Ivan is a dream, but some days, even when he's being an angel, I find myself breaking down. I'll cry and cry and cry for no reason. He didn't have any health issues when he was born like so many other babies that I know. He wasn't a preemie. I didn't have an awful labor to end up with a c-section. I mean, I did end up with a cesarean, but I didn't have a bad hospital stay or anything.

Why haven't I been able to hold it all together like this great lady I know named Christian Bryant?!
Christin- I'm not meaning to call you out...but seriously girl! You've had a smile on your face through everything with Cohen being born so early, and you're just so freaking strong...I'm jealous.

I want to curl up in a bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book..but then I remember that my water heater sucks, and I can't fill the tub enough in order to have a good bath. I haven't found a good book in a long time. Oh well.

A lot has happened this past week. Not really, but who cares?
We made the switch to cloth diapers. We're currently using prefolds, Thirsties covers, and Flips by BumGenius. I REALLY want some pocket dipes though...Maybe next pay period :)

I am EXHAUSTED like it's going out of style. My house is a total disaster, because all I want to do is sleep. When I'm up during the day, I'm entertaining Ivan, and when he naps..so do I. That means that nothing gets done around here...Ugh. Will someone clean my house? I'll watch your kids.

A new cookbook...

I got a new cookbook when I turned 20, back in March. It's Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Tonight I used it for the first time. I made Pâté de Canard en Croûte, but without the crust..I'm not sure what that translates to in French, though. I was TERRIFIED of the whole removing the bones from the duck, but I did it, and hubby plus a few frieneds really seemed to enjoy it. I doubt I'll ever make it again, though. It was a great learning experience, no matter how hard it was for me.

Today and tonight Ivan has been rough. Usually he's been asleep for about 2 hours by now, but he's been up and down fussing all night. He's teething, but won't use a teething ring, pacifier, or anything...I hate it for him, because I know he's in so much pain, but Orajel and Tylenol aren't doing anything for the poor guy. I know he's hurting, but I can only take so much. I'm exhausted to start with, and he just cries and cries and cries...I can't do it anymore.

Duck Day.

This Thanksgiving isn't going to be a Turkey Day in our house, because I'm cooking duck. Yes, duck. At first it was just going to be the 3 of us for our first little Thanksgiving with a baby, but now we're thinking we're going to invite a couple of people over so that I don't have leftovers sitting in my fridge for a week like last year.

Walmart has these delicious smelling candles...they're the Walmart brand, but you can actually smell them. I've tried a dozen different scents from there, and none of them really "smell." Vanilla is our winner. It's like walking through a house that had yummy cupcakes in the oven, only I don't have to go through the whole baking process, I just pull out my lighter and voila!

I'm tired of being the "bad person" when it comes to saying no about things. I usually try to be very friendly until you cross me, and then I more than likely won't give you a second glance. This is where my downfall is...and why I have zero friends up here. I have plenty of acquaintances up here, just not friends. I can't stand it when people are on their high horse, thinking that they can't be knocked down..because that just gives me a reason to shoot your horse. I hate it that it's like that..but it is what it is. I will shoot your horse in the knees, just to watch you fall down. Hah.

Hurt..again.

It seems like all I ever do is get hurt. Yesterday I went to get my Implanon taken out, because I got a migrane about a week after I got it, and it never went away. They started with one cut and couldn't remove it, so then they sliced open the other end..that didn't work, so they made the first cut longer, and that didn't work, so they made the second one longer...then it finally popped out. Ow. At least I got 3 shots of Lidocaine!
Today we went to the dog park again. As some of you know, I had both of the nails on my big toes removed. My left toe is still pretty tender because I had it done recently..well, an American Bulldog freaking stomped it while we were there, putting a hole in my nail bed, thus making it bleed like crazy. Oh, and it hurt. Really bad.

I was also told today that someone Luke works with asked if I had ever written a blog about him, which I hadn't, as I usually blog about other things- like demanding people, people who try to tell me how to raise my child, chicks with giant boobs that hang out everywhere, and Luke- the loooove of my life. But, tonight is a special night. John Hendricks, this is for you. Thanks for going shopping with me, and putting Ivan down to sleep that night, because I needed to get out of the house, and I was at my wits end with the baby. So, I raise my glass of Hawaiian Punch to you.

Dog parks and landfills...

I went to a meetup today with a group called "Sound Parenting." They're all attachment parents, who breastfeed, cloth diaper, and things like that. Well, I don't cloth diaper, but Ivan is on the boob! I put on my big girl panties and walked into the group with my head held high, which is a big step for me. I'm terrified of going into groups when I don't know anyone, but they were all pretty nice. Ivan was fussy most of the time, and the only way that he would calm down is if he was eating, so that's about all he did.
We think the little booger is teething, and that's why he's so fussy, but we're not sure. Got some baby orajel tonight, so maybe that'll help a little bit. He doesn't like chewing on things, though. If it's not a boob, he doesn't want it in his mouth...we'll see how I hold up through it all.

Right now, Luke is holding the baby and they both look so content. Well, I can't see Ivan's face, but he's not screaming, and he's sitting relatively still, so I'm going to assume that he's also happy. He won't calm down for me when we're trying to put him down, so I usually just let Luke have that job! I've been so blessed with a great husband who helps out so much with the baby. I know I could've ended up with some deadbeat who doesn't do anything to help out. I mean...it would be nice to have some help with the laundry every now and then *coughcough* but I'm making it perfectly fine. I love seeing the two of them together, even when Ivan is screaming and hubby has the look on his face saying "please take him, I don't know what to do."



I need to find a new highchair for the little one. We've got one that we got at a consignment store before Ivan was born, but I was looking at it the other day, and it doesn't have the harness straps. I'm going to take it back down there to see if they'll buy it back, and then we can save up for a good one...maybe even one that matches his stroller and car seat!

There's also a new dog park that just opened up about 5 miles (if even that) away from our house. It's nice being able to take Wrinkles there- he played a lot with a GIANT Great Dane today. He really seems to like it, and it's good that we're able to just let him run around..but I can't take him alone, because I can't chase him while I'm also wearing the baby! The only bad thing about that park is that it's on top of the old landfill..which mean it stinks. It really stinks.

I hope everyone has a great and blessed week, it's time for me to go snuggle with my honey!

Let's be clear on something...

I want to be very clear with everyone on a few things.

1. When my child gets teeth he will not be switched to formula. I don't care if that's what you did with your kid, but I'm not doing it with mine. He might bite a few times, but it won't kill me. I'll continue doing what's best for him.
2. If you don't like my cooking, keep your mouth shut and don't eat it. I'm trying to be nice by cooking for you so that you don't have to, and I don't care if I couldn't add one TINY ingredient since my dispenser was broken and I didn't have another. The food was still good to everyone except for you.
3. Stop being so flipping demanding, otherwise you will never be around me or my child again. It doesn't matter if you don't realize that you're doing it. You are, and both my husband and I have noticed it multiple times. I won't have it in my house or around my child.

I've also had a few people come to me privately wondering if I circumcised my son or not, and then giving me shit when I told them that I didn't. Why are you so worried about it? It's very scary that you're that wrapped up in what the penis of a 3 month old looks like. By the way: that isn't something for me to take from him. If he wants to have it done when he's 18, then by all means he can. But right now, that isn't my choice. I'm not going to take something of his and not give him any choice in the matter.

I'm raising an intact, breastfeeding, sling riding, bed sharing, happy baby boy.

boobies!

It feels like these last few days have been harder than they should be.
I had an appointment with the FAME clinic today, which is basically a counseling clinic if you need it. I was very impatient when I was there, even though I was 20 minutes early. However, I really didn't expect to wait almost 40 minutes to be seen..when there were two other people in the waiting area with me..and they were waiting on people to get done! The guy that I eventually ended up seeing came out and told the receptionist that he "had forgotten that he had a patient, but he was going to go eat lunch early anyways." I was heated. That's when he saw me give her the stink eye..then promptly came back 5 minutes later and called my name. Let's not forget that this is the same guy from my last post who doesn't trust me as a historian of my own life. Piss off.

I don't think I need counseling. I've got a great husband who supports me, and is there for me whether or not I want him to be! I've finally accepted that I won't be able to scare him off anytime soon. Oh well..I guess I'm stuck with him. Too bad.

Things have otherwise been great around the house. Luke leaves for Idaho tomorrow morning and won't be back until Thursday night, so I'm kinda bummed about that. I always get upset when he leaves, even if just for a few days, because as independent as I am, I also know that there are some things that are very hard for me to take care of myself..like if I had another debilitating panic attack and ended up in the hospital again..who would take care of Ivan? It's little things like that which make me very anxious, and very scared.

It would be nice if I had some real friends here who weren't total backstabbers like everyone else is turning out to be. As much as I love my lil man, 3 days of no other human interaction might get the best of me. If it's pretty I might go walk the airfield just to get outside, but I don't know.

I missed church yesterday, as I wasn't ready to face God after what happened on Thursday. Not only was I mad that He could've let me hit rock bottom again after doing so well, I was mad at everyone there. I was mad that no one wants to be my friend, no matter how hard I try. I was mad because I've given up at making friends, because I can't seem to find someone that I click with- and I know that once I do, we'll just be moving again. I was just mad at the world, so I stayed home with Luke and the baby, got some laundry done, and watched some Prison Break. I've got a crush on Dominic Purcell...but don't tell anyone!

So, in other news: there is a girl who works at the bikini coffee hut near our house that has MASSIVE boobs. Those bad boys must weigh 10lbs apiece. Note: I don't go there to look at the chicks. I go there because they're the only hut I've found with the powdered chai in the flavor I like. But still- major tatas! They're always so nice there- it seems like even though they're showing off their bodies all day, that they like the break of not having someone look at them like a piece of meat. I just want my soy chai, and nothing more.

I'm also looking for someone to make a custom header for me...any takers? I can't offer much, besides maybe some cupcakes or something..but I would really love to have one.

It's been a long week already.

So as some of you know- I ended up in the hospital on Thursday afternoon, and didn't get to leave until late Friday morning. I'm fine now, but I really wasn't fine then. Don't believe me if I tell you that I was, because I wasn't. Not even close. I'm not going to go into detail about any of it, as it really isn't the business of anyone except for mine, but the world isn't crashing down anymore.

Today I have an appointment with a psychologist on post...and I'm pretty flippin scared. Not only do I not know where the building is- which makes me very very anxious, but I also have a feeling I'll be seeing the same guy that I saw at the hospital. Not a good idea.

Apparently I don't give out enough information when I answer questions. I try to be direct and to the point, especially when I'm upset about something, or pissed off at the person asking the questions. Somehow or another me being direct leads people to believe that I'm not a good historian of my own life, as I don't give out unnecessary details. Last I checked I'm the only one who has lived my life...so don't go around trying to change things around just because I give short answers and you don't like it. Oh, another thing..don't go around putting everything I say in "quotations." Like the fact that I was "sexually assaulted." It's not a good idea to do that crap after you question my ability to recall things that happened to me. They didn't happen to you, they happened to ME. No, I wasn't assaulted- I was actually on the damn ferris wheel, I just THOUGHT that I was touched inappropriately. Right. I just thought it happened.

I really REALLY love my husband. And my son. I even love our ugly dog.

That is all.

apologies

I wasn't trying to be bitchy and whiny in my last post, so I'm sorry.



Okay, I lied. I wasn't TRYING to be that way...but I was having a pity party over here for myself. I'm allowed to cry every now and then, right?

So yeah. If you've got a problem with it..screw you.

I guess it's time to stop lying to myself.

For those of you who know me- you know that I wanted a 1538% natural waterbirth. However, I didn't have that. I had a csection instead. Not only did my dream get squished in under a minute when they couldn't flip him, I also didn't have a chance to comprehend what was happening. I love my son so, so, so much..but I just wish it could've somehow been different. I know being jealous isn't good..but I'm afraid that I'm envious of you mommas who were able to have the birth that you wanted.
It kills me every day that I wasn't able to bring my baby into the world like a "real woman." And it's stupid. It's stupid that I resent a surgery that saved the life of my baby boy. It's stupid that I'm so upset about something that miniscule, but I am.

There. I said it. I was thinking about it earlier today- not only am I jealous of those who had their perfect birth, but I'm also mad at you. I'm mad that you were able to get it, and I wasn't. I'm mad that my body wasn't able to work right. I'm mad at God for putting me through it, making me feel like less of a woman, and just generally letting me be bitter over the whole thing..but in all reality, I'm not mad. I know that I've been super blessed with this little angel, that I was picked to be a mom..that his life was put into MY hands..that God knew I would do my best to raise him. So why do I still cry about it? Why do I cry for something that was "lost," when it was really never mine to begin with? I mean..I'm still a mother. I'm still there for my baby when he cries, I'm still doing everything to the best of my ability, so why do I feel like the worst mother in the world? Is it because I had to have a csection, or is it because I'm just crazy?

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

Well, I just downloaded the new Amy Grant CD. I used to have one of her older albums, and it was always very.. uplifting. I guess that would be the world. I need to get my life in order..and the only way for me to do that is leave certain things and people behind, and open up so that better things can come in, and so that I can surround myself with good people.

I look over at my baby boy who -was- asleep, and I know that I don't want him around things that will hold him back. Yes, he's only 2 months old, but I want to start him out right. I want to have him at church every Sunday that I can. I don't want him to grow up and not care like I did. I REALLY don't want him to have teenage years like I did, so I guess it's time to start now.

So, where do I even begin? I'm not a good "friend maker." Pretty sure I've only spent time with 3 different gals since moving here. Yes, there's the FRG, and they're nice..but I don't see them outside of those meetings. Out of the 3 that I kinda became friends with, one dwindled over time- I guess I was too young for her? One just kinda disappeared, and one more just had a baby last week...I'm not sure we were "friends" to start with though. She's nice, so maybe it'll happen, who knows.

I also sucked it up and went and introduced myself on Sunday to the other blogger that I found on Google. It was hard enough for me to go up to a complete stranger and just hope that I had the right person. Turns out, it was her. She was also nice. I really hope that we can be friends, as not only would it be nice to have a friend (haha) but she was kind, and she's Christian. Lord knows I need a good Christian friend.

Lately I've been standing on my own two feet, and now I've got a pair of watchful eyes looking up to me. I'm going to need help to make it through these next 20 years. What if love isn't enough?

Forgiveness, such a simple word- but it's so hard to do when you've been hurt.

It's so so so very hard to do. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to be smart about it all and just let it go. I always say that I've forgiven, but why can't I forget? It's not my place to judge, but I just can't let go. I'm who I am because of everything, but I'm still lost.

Everyone, please if you have a second, pray that I find my way, that I find God again, and that I can forgive and forget.

can google be the start of a friendship?

Well, I am completely exhausted. The more I think about it, the more I realize how crappy of a housewife I am. I don't keep the place clean. I don't always have dinner on the table. Before Ivan was here, I did. Well, the house wasn't always spotless, but at least I enjoyed cooking enough to want to have something made for Luke at night. I love my baby, but I wish he would let me set him down so that I can get things done around here. We're not even totally unpacked from moving- luckily most of that stuff is in the garage and you can't see it. I just need one really good day of cleaning to get this joint in shape, and I'll be happy...but wait! Let's bring in the poop monster. If I'm not holding him, he's crying. My dear husband will hold him and sometimes all he does is scream and cry, which tears me up- so I can't get anything done because I go to him so that I don't have to hear him wail. I don't know what it is. He'll be completely happy with me, but as soon as I hand him off, wham- the crying starts.

Maybe I should trade babysitting services with someone who will come clean my house. Wouldn't that be great?

One thing I thought was great this past week: I had started following a blog a while back, I pretty much googled for another army wife blog. I didn't say where, I just wanted a blog to follow. Well, I found one that is written by a Christian army wife. That's what I try to be, but we all know how that's worked out. Lo and behold...I could've sworn I saw her at church this past Sunday. We hadn't been in over a month, but we went, I finally got to sit down after dealing with a fussy baby for most of the service, I looked up, and there she was. How neat is that? I mean, I guess there are only so many places that the wives would be...but I mean, I googled and found this blog, so what are the chances that she would be at Ft. Lewis, even at the same service that we were at? I haven't decided, but maybe this next Sunday I'll go say hi. Maybe we'll end up friends. Probably not, but it's worth a shot.

Ivan had his 2 month appt on Tuesday- he's not a whopping 12.8 lbs. Such a little chunker! That's right at 4+ what he was at birth. 2 whole months ago..it's crazy how time flies when you're exhausted and hormonal. There was some fun in there too, but mostly sleepless nights and tears. He's actually asleep right now, so I'm going to attempt to put him down so that I can at least get a little bit of cleaning done before my head starts throbbing again.

These last 2 months have been interesting.

That is all.

Ivan,

Honey- please stop fighting sleep when you're tired! It makes me crazy because you get overtired and then can't fall and stay asleep! Yesterday you were up for 9 hours, except for a 5 or 10 minute cat nap here and there, which made it hell to get you in bed. You were still tired when you woke up 3 hours later to eat, so when you fought sleep then as well..it ended up taking another 4 hours to get you to sleep. We can't keep doing this. almost 5 hours to get you to sleep originally plus another 4..that's 9 hours of rocking and singing and humming and tears! I still love you no matter what, but you're making me pull my hair out.

Love,
Your mommy

Well, my baby slept through the night last night....he's almost 6 weeks old now- time has flown!

I had planned on getting up to see my inlaws off this morning, because he usually gets up a couple times a night if I don't give him formula, but I fed him from the source around 830 or so, and he didn't start moving around until almost 415...and I think that was only because I got up and moved around some. Now, an hour later, he's curled up on my chest asleep again.

This week we're signing the lease on a new house, moving out of this one, and who knows what else. I need to get Ivan to see his peditrician- hopefully I can get an appointment for today or tomorrow. So much is going to be going on this week...I can't wait until everyone can be in on it!

Frustration level= MAX.

How come everything seems to snowball when it's going bad, and comes to a standstill when it's going good?

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't eat healthy at all when I was pregnant with Drago. Too many ICEES for one, and too much other crap..so I shouldn't be upset at the predicament that I've found myself in. None of my clothes fit..unless they're yoga pants. I've gone shopping for jeans 3 times now, and haven't found a pair. I first only went up one size, thinking that I couldn't've gotten huge..boy was I wrong. I went up a total of three sizes in the jeans I tried on yesterday...and they didn't fit. I should've stayed and tried on a different size or brand but I was so devastated that I just wanted to go home.

On top of not having any clothes to wear after the THIRD FREAKING TIME of shopping and becoming upset and irritated- I've also become upset and irritated with my insurance company. I have a super ingrown toenail that I really need to get fixed. I changed my doctor to some guy in Olympia because they were the first ones who didn't have a waiting list of 2+ weeks. I show up for my appointment- call them because I'm not sure where they are in the hospital, but wait! They're not in Olympia! They're in some podunk town 30 minutes away. My appointment at this point is 30 minutes away, and there's no way I'm going to make it. Thanks Tricare, once again, for giving me the wrong address of a doctor..after the appointment is set. Thanks a lot. It's alright though, because I'm sitting over here in so much pain- but it doesn't matter. I guess you really do get what you pay for- but you suck right now.

Can you tell that I had a crappy day? Oh, and I got to sleep for 45 minutes before Drago decided to start screaming. I'm flipping exhausted, my house is a disaster, and I'm also pissed at the world. Please don't ask me how I'm doing unless you're also planning to offer me lipo and a tummy tuck immediately after you ask how I am. I'm telling you now- I'm not good.

It's 3 in the morning

and I should be asleep, but I've got a sweet baby snuggled up on my chest.

I love him so much.

It's about that time!

Our lease at this awful house is up in under a month! I think it's been narrowed down to two different new places- both much closer to post, and much closer to civilization. I'll miss the neighbors out here, but with us living in town it means that I can make friends..since I have zero out here- besides the guys that Luke works with.

It's crazy to think that we've lived up here almost a year. In 10 days it'll be the one year anniversary...of our second wedding. Yes. Second time getting married. So many other things have happened in the past 12 months...like us having a baby. The sweetest, most perfect angel ever.

I can't keep my eyes open for anything, I need to take a nap and it's not even 9am! Too bad I can't. I still have to pack a different diaper bag, feed the baby, get breakfast for myself, and get ready to take Drago to yet another doc appointment. Looks like he probably has thrush, which means that I- his lovely mother- have it as well. His cord stump also fell off a little over a week ago and it still hasn't healed. Not a good sign. From what I've researched on it- it might mean that there's an infection, or that there's a little tube there that didn't close, which means that he'll need meds to get that taken care of. Treating the thrush is going to be a pain to start with, but something wrong with his belly too? I really hope that it isn't anything serious. He had enough drama coming into this world, it's ashame that it has to continue on for the lil guy!

3 weeks later..

and we're all still alive. The dog hasn't starved to death, the snake doesn't hate us (I think), Luke & I haven't killed each other, and the baby has on a clean diaper.

I've thought I might go crazy, I've cried myself to sleep after holding an angel who only wanted to cry, I gave in and gave him formula a few times because I was so exhausted and needed Luke to feed him. I've done a million things I didn't think I was going to do, but I've made it this far- I think we might be alright.

I wish I had more to say, but I don't know what to do right now.

Well, I've given up on the idea of sleep. After a midnight and 2am feeding, Ivan wanted some more around 4am. Luke got up and gave him a bottle, and he wanted more after that...which means that I get to get up! So here I am...at almost 6am, still awake, because he screams if I put him down. Maybe he slept too much yesterday or something? I'm not sure how this whole sleep schedule thing works..but maybe today I'll try to keep him up more, so that he's more tired tonight.

We're going to get some photos taken of him today- should be fun, but it's an hour and a half drive. This will be by far the longest that we've been away from the house with him. 3hrs or so round trip in the car, plus our appt which is 2hr long..plus anything else that happens while we're out. I might just sleep on the car ride there and back, that way I'm not tempted to shoot anyone who looks at me wrong later on today.

Coffee anyone?

Breathe in...breathe out.

While I sit here on the couch, listening to my baby boy make cooing sounds from his current bed, I'm still in shock that this precious child really is mine. He's mine to take care of, to love and cherish, and to love some more. I'm getting more sleep than I thought I would, even though it's scattered throughout the day and night. For some reason Ivan wants to be up all night and sleep all day. It really doesn't bother me to sit up with him, it's just tiring to rock him and sing to him until he falls asleep and I'm halfway dozing off, then THINKING about laying him down- which instantly wakes him in a fit of screaming and tears...this usually isn't a problem, but after 2 or 3 hours I usually end up in tears too. They said I'm at a high risk for postpartum depression..I really really really hope that I don't end up there. I know what it's like to be severely depressed, and I don't want to know the feeling again.

My parents land in WA in about 20 minutes- Luke is on his way to the airport to get them..I would've gone, but fitting 4 normal sized people plus a car seat into a car isn't looking very likely right now. I'm still pretty tired, even after coffee, and I know I would've ended up mad over something stupid.

Working on crocheting a baby blanket and snuggling with Ivan sounds like a great plan right now.

One week old today!

This last week has been amazing.

We came home on Thursday, and it's just been a whirlwind since then. The first couple of nights we had to wake Ivan up for every feeding. I was on a whole bunch of pain meds then, so that might have something to do with how sleepy he was.

I took one of my pills this morning when I realized that I was hurting so bad that I couldn't get out of the bed, and haven't taken another one all day. We've slept on the couch every night since being home except for last night- I ended up using the steps that Luke built for Wrinkles to get in and out of there. Our bed is a good 4 foot off the ground, and there's no way I'm getting in there by myself right now.

Luke has been a dream. He's held me when I cried about something already done, and when I really cried about the house being a disaster...he then went and cleaned up. Last night I got really tore up when I was holding Ivan. He had to have his bilirubin (jaundice) levels checked yesterday, and instead of a heel prick they took it out of his hand with a needle. The bruise left from it looks just awful.

On a good note- my parents will be here tomorrow. That'll be interesting, considering how moody I've been this past week- I just hope I don't get too pissy. As much as I love them both, it's just going to be hard having two more people in the house when I feel like I'm going crazy.

Luke and I have been married for a whole year on Friday the 13th! Creepy, yes. Awesome, yes. I couldn't ask for more in a husband..I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. Well, he and Ivan are tied for the spot of who I could love more.

Honey- if you're reading this- I love you. A lot.

The moment you've been waiting for!

This post will probably be rather long, but it's alright. This entry is dedicated to my little man Ivan Paul Brown.

The last weeks of my pregnancy were uneventful. I had an appointment with a midwife on post, because I really wanted to have a drug free waterbirth. I went in, was 1cm dilated, and 25% effaced. Didn't look like anything was going to happen anytime soon!

On Friday, 30 July, Ivan was moving a little less than normal. I waited it out on Saturday, he was moving a little, but nowhere near what he usually did. Most of that night I stayed up, hoping that he would just go crazy and kick the crap out of me, but he didn't. We headed into labor and delivery on Sunday morning, 1 August. I was hooked up to the machines, and everything looked great! Well, almost everything.

Our little boy was breech. Very breech. He had one foot shoved down as far as it would go, and the other was crossed over at the knee. After quite a few tears we decided that the following Tuesday, 3 August, I would go back into L&D and the doctors would attempt a manual version. For those who don't know- a version is where they try to flip baby from the outside. It has some pretty high risks, including death of the baby. If the version didn't work, I would be having a c-section ASAP. I don't know how I managed to make it through that day and Monday, but I did. Tuesday morning rolled around, and I was TERRIFIED.

I called into L&D a little before 5am to see when I should come in for the version attempt. We promptly left the house and got to the hospital at 0630. I was hooked up to some monitors, got my IV started, and a dose of antibiotics, just incase they had to operate- that way the drugs would already be taking effect. We met with the anesthesologist, who had decided to give me a spinal instead of an epidural, once again- just incase.

I was wheeled to the OR doors at approximately 0900, where I got up, walked to the OR table, and hunched over to get my spinal shot. I knew deep down that I would need it in the end, because Ivan was so far along- they had less than a 50% chance of flipping him. Luke was brought in to be with me during the version- he sat down at the head of the table at 0920 or so, and the version was started at 0924. The two fabulous docs attempted to flip my precious child three different times, but he wasn't moving an inch. His heartrate dropped from 130 to 80 and they couldn't bring it back up.

"Scrub up." I remember hearing those words, even though I was crazy drugged. I never really had a chance to be scared, but I knew that in a few short minutes I would be meeting my baby boy. I couldn't really cry, I was more in shock that this was really about to happen. I held onto Luke's hand for all it was worth, and I prayed. I prayed that I would be alright, that whatever happened would be right. I prayed that my baby would come out screaming, and that he would be healthy.

Remember- they started trying to flip him at 0924. At 0927 the anesthesiologist told Luke to stand up and watch his son come into the world. He stood up, said "It's a boy!" and then I heard the greatest sound. My baby screamed and screamed and screamed. I cried a little more, and then Luke brought him over. He was beautiful.

I got stapled back together, moved onto another bed, and then we had to wait for an xray tech to come in to check my belly- they didn't even have a chance to do a count of everything, so they had to make sure nothing was left in there. Lucky for me- they got everything out on the first try. After they were done, Luke brought Ivan back to me, where I got to hold him for the first time. He screamed a little more, and then just looked at me..like he knew who I was.

A lot happened after that, but it's pretty much the standard hospital stay. I was up and walking within 8 hours of a major abdominal surgery, which really impressed the nurses. I was feeling good, I had my baby, and my husband was still by my side...even though I wasn't pretty and pregnant anymore. I was drugged, had a flabby belly, and could only cry about it all.

We stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning. I walked out of the hospital with no help, and we headed to the house. Ivan is a dream, Luke is a great daddy, Wrinkles isn't crazy, and I'm recovering like a champ.

I got my staples out today, they said everything looks beautiful. The only bad thing is that everything below the waist is swollen, and probably won't go down for awhile. I'm fine with getting up constantly to check on him, to feed him, and just to be a mom. I still haven't taken off my hospital bracelets, and it's been 4 days. I'm still in a dream state, and I'm just not ready to take them off. Yes, they're going in the baby book, but still..They're comforting right now, I guess.

That's all for now, I need to go corrall the dog, and feed my baby. He's really mine!

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers everyone! I can't wait to share him with all you folks back home, and just to really get into the swing of being a real family.

I've never wanted to balance a baby on it's head..

until now.

Long story short- we went into Labor & Delivery this morning, because Krackel hadn't been moving as much as he usually did. Got there, they hooked him up to the monitors, and he started moving around. I guess having brain waves shot through you might do that.

They did an ultrasound before we left, just to make sure everything looked alright- well, it doesn't. He's breech. FREAKING A. This upcoming Tuesday, 3 August..is going to be our little mans birthday. At 5am sharp on Tuesday I've gotta call to L&D to see what time I'm coming in for a manual version. Yes, I'm scared- so don't even ask. I've heard that they're painful, so don't tell me that, either. If he turns, they'll induce me right then. If not, I'm being taken back for a c-section..which I'm also scared of. I guess my plans of a wonderful, natural, waterbirth might possibly be out the window. Oh well.

We're doing my belly casting today (I think) and the rest of today and all day tomorrow--I'm eating all the crap I want, because once Ivan is here- I've gotta start eating healthy. Oh yeah- Fiber One Raisin Bran tastes like cardboard. Just a heads up.

Once again, it's been a rather long time since I've posted.

Craziness has ensued in our house, as I try to get ready for baby Ivan to show up. It's hard to believe that he's due next Friday! It seems like everyone around me is trying to get pregnant, already pregnant, or just had a baby. I was the first out of all of my "friends" back home to get married, and then surprise! There's a baby on the way!

Fort Lewis life is...boring. I don't have a job, and won't get one anytime soon- seeing as we have a baby due in less than two weeks. When we first moved up here I hooked up with a group in our neighborhood for military spouses, and didn't fit in at all. I felt like I was in highschool again.
I met a couple of people on and right off of post, and those "friendships" fell apart super fast- just like in highschool, or just like when I moved across the country. I tried to keep in touch, but over time it really became pointless.

I get along so much better with the guys that Luke works with, than I do people my own age. Yes, I'm young and married with a kid on the way. Yes, I hide who I really am, in order to make it seem like I'm happy and normal...but I'm really not. I want to have friends. I don't want to have to sit at home alone day after day after day. Making friends has always been so hard for me that I've finally given in and given up.

I can't wait until Ivan is here. I can't wait until my wonderful husband and I have a month of being together, with our new baby, and our crazy dog. I can't wait to really be a family.

4 weeks left!

It's been almost a month since I've written, as I was so lovingly reminded by Luke last night.

4 more weeks until baby Ivan's due date. Part of me hopes that he comes early, just so that I'm not completely miserable with the heat..but the other part of me knows that he'll be just as miserable as I am, so he might as well stay in there where he's comfy for a few more weeks.

In 2 weeks there's a Red Sox game, which I'm really hoping that we can go to. I didn't get Luke much for his birthday, as I was planning on going to a few of the games while they're in town- as sort of a last shindig for us before we're a family of 3!

He rushed out of the house this morning at...545. The gig wasn't until later, but then it got changed to 615..and we live almost an hour away. Lovely. Just freaking lovely.

Good news: I have almost everything done for the baby! Still need to buy a big big big ticket item, and some odds and ends then we're all set. If he came right now, we'd be good to go though!

Not so good news: I need new tires on my car. I've got a leak in my left front, and it sucks. We put fix a flat in it a few weeks ago, and I totally forgot about it..until it started going flat on Tuesday. We put another fix a flat in it- and it went from 36psi to 21psi..overnight. Not good.

I'm also covered in bug bites from the lake. That in itself sucks. I made a paste of baking soda and water to put on them, and it worked for a few minutes..but now they're itching again. I have a flat freaking tire- so it's not like I can just go to the store for some of the anti itch crap.

Ugh.

Less than a week!

Luke finally comes home this week! This morning around 2am I set up a bowl with 6 mini Reese's in it, I was going to eat one each day until he got home. Well, around 4am I had this crazy craving for Reese's...and I ate them all. Either way....he'll be home on Friday! Woooohoooo!

Other fabulous things:

-Randy shed last night, for the first time since he's been with me! The girl I got him from said that he hadn't shed in 5 or 6 months. Uh...that's a problem. Anyways, it looks like it was a great shed, I haven't totally checked him out though.

-The pregnant dreams are coming in full force. Last week I had one where we were in this fight (kinda like dodgeball) but our team was way outnumbered, and we were throwing marbles. Luke got hurt really bad, and it's only because he let me hide behind him the whole time.

Last night....we were having tank tub wars. Yeah. Tubs that had the tracks of tanks. Is that what they're called? Tracks? Well, they're what are where the tires would be on tanks. And my bathtub was mounted on a set, and Luke & I were shooting each other. Weird much?

Okay, time for me to find some breakfast, get ready for church, and finish watching my movie!

9 weeks left till Ivan is here!

Wow it's been a long time since I've posted anything! 13.5 more days until Luke is home! I'm in desperate need of a back and foot rub..this kiddo is killing me!

Madigan got to me today, after cancelling my Wed. appt, and then cancelling the one today without telling me..I drove an hour there- and couldn't even see the lady. Seriously? It took all I had not to release my fury on the receptionist, but I knew that it wasn't her fault..so I waited until I was in the car- so I'm sorry dear car..I beat the crap outta the steering wheel but I felt so much better afterwards.

It seems that Ivan is still doing alright- I've got another ultrasound on the 22nd, and they'll recheck his VSD then. Whew..it's not even 9, but it's time for me to get some sleep. I've gotta leave at 930 tomorrow to take Wrank Stank to the Renton dog park so that he can hang out with some other bullies..that's an hour and a half away from me, give or take a little bit. He'll be exhausted after the long day, and I'll for sure be exhausted..at least I'll get to come home and take a nap!

Things always change!

Looks like my honey won't be staying in VA Beach longer than planned! I wasn't upset because he was staying, I was upset because there was more time added on after I had my grand countdown. If I knew he was going to stay till the middle of July to start with, I would've been fine! Man, these pregnancy hormones have got me messed up!

Last week I got pampered a little bit, and really enjoyed it. Yesterday, I also got Ivan's first pet! His name is Randy and he's a corn snake. He's really fiesty when you try to pick him up, but once you've got him- he loves you.

Tonight I should've cleaned some, but instead I watched Hoarders. I can't watch this crap when Luke is home, so I'll enjoy the next 4 weeks of all my stupid shows!

I've been sick these last couple of days- I don't know what it is, but it sucks. A constant sore throat, fever, and puking everytime I eat/drink don't make for a happy camper. Hopefully it gets better soon- I don't wanna go to the doctor!

Yes, I told Luke "I want you to stay" which changed his coming home date from 18June to either 16 or 17 July. I know that technically now I'm not able to whine and be pissed about it..but I'm doing both, and I'm enjoying it. Just like I told him..it's not so much that it's because I'm here alone, it's because I'm scared that Ivan will come early and that I'll be completely alone.

I know, I know..it's not a deployment and I should be happy. But do you really think that changes how much I miss him? Do you think it makes me worry any less about what's going on here? Of course it doesn't. I'm not myself when he isn't here. There are so many things that need to be done that I'm now doing alone, when we had planned on doing them together.

And to all of you people who tell me that it'll be alright...I'm well aware. I know that he'll come home if I need him, and I know that I'll get everything done on time, I also know that everything will be fine- even if I feel like I'm going crazy. Don't tell me something that I already know. I'm sick and tired of hearing you tell me how you were fine, and how your friend was fine. I am neither you, and I'm not your friend. Our situations are totally different, believe me.

So if you tell me again what you think..I'm gonna tell you to piss off.

38 more days!

Last week felt like it drug on, but I woke up this morning and it's already Tuesday!

I'm not sure what my deal is lately, but I've been getting freaked out about the smallest things, and I'm constantly on edge. We've had these teenage brats hanging around the past little while which also creeps me out, seeing as a lady in our neighborhood was broken into and beat half to death a little while ago. Lucky for me the neighbors have an extra gun that they're letting me borrow until Luke gets home and we can get our own.

Yesterday I had another ultrasound to check on baby Ivan's VSD. I got there at 0715, and was done by about 0745..the tech I saw totally sucked. Turns out though that the VSD is still there- originally it was around 2mm, yesterday it was up to about 4.5-5mm. She told me not to worry about it, that everything would be fine..but seriously- what momma in her right mind would NOT worry when her precious baby has a hole in his heart that's only getting bigger?! I'm lucky that it was so early in the morning- it meant less traffic leaving post for me to deal with as I was pretty upset.

Here lately with everything going on out here- Luke being gone, the VSD deal, all the depressing rain- for some reason I've started having panic attacks again. I had another one this morning, and I really don't know why. I was planning on going shopping with Ashley- even just hanging out- but after I calmed down I could barely drag myself out of the house to take Stinky for a walk.

Hopefully today will get better!

Wanna know what I think?

Refer to my post from yesterday. That's what I think right now. And you wanna know what else?

Believe it or not, Mother's Day includes those that are SOON TO BE mothers. That means- you got it right- I'M INCLUDED.

Today started out great and then once again gradually went downhill.

You know what? I'm freaking sick of it. I'm sick of being second place to everything. I'm tired of not being able to help anyone- even though I've been there before, and I know almost EXACTLY what is going through that stupid, thick head. Not only does it stress me out, it makes me feel like crap.

It makes me feel like no matter what I do- I'll never be good enough. And you know...it's turning out to be just like everything else in my life. I'm not good enough for it. I wasn't the greatest to start with, and now that I'm pregnant and hormonal I'm really not anywhere near being close to how "great" I might've been to start with. I really wanna scream right now.

It's almost the end of Thursday..which means it's almost Friday..which means it's also almost Saturday- which totally means that there are 6 weeks left! Woohoo!

This morning started out great. And by great I mean that Luke called me at 4 am to tell me good morning and that he loves me. I was half awake all night- kinda sleepy and then wide awake on and off all but about an hour and a half where I was completely out. It was nice being woken up from what sleep I got to hear his voice.

The rest of the day...not so good. I managed to make it to Walmart to get some things to make oatmeal-choc chip cookies for his bday, I went to the post office to send off my mothers day boxes, and I dropped a bag off at Goodwill. During all of this though all I could think about was the mouse that's downstairs somewhere. I can't kill the poor thing so when he ran and hid this morning I figured he'd left..until I got home this afternoon- and there he was. He didn't even do anything and I freaked out, yelling at him, running after him- trying to chase him out..it didn't work. That caused panic attack number one.

I hardly ever have complete meltdowns these days. I guess me being totally overwhelmed and stressed plus having a mouse downstairs just got to me. I finally calmed down enough to attempt to knit..it didn't work. I tried and tried and tried..nothing helped out the situation.

Went to the mall with Ashley to pick up my ring, started getting shaky on the way back to her place, and I knew it was on again. Dropped her off, and then it started to hit me. I've still gotta organize the baby room. I've gotta clean the downstairs before my brother gets here, I need to bake cookies for Luke, I really need to clean the floors before the baby comes, I need Luke to come home, there's a mouse downstairs...everything rolled into one giant ball of irritation smacked me in the face full force when I got home.

Ladies, don't take things out on your husbands or boyfriends- whatever they are- if it's not his fault. Even if it is his fault, don't take it out on him. I turned into this evil, vicious woman that I swore I would never be..but I was her for 10 minutes- until the tears came. I cried because I couldn't knit. I cried because the stupid blinds in the living room are stuck and won't come down. I cried because I miss him- and I cried because I just want to be a normal, happy, calm person. I haven't been normal in over 5 years.

I really didn't mean to be mean to you honey- especially about the stupid diet. I love you, more than anything in the whole world. You'll always be my Shmallow Breath.

3 May 2010

Day 2 is finally coming to a close.

I went shopping with Ashley this morning- her hubs has a birthday coming up, as does Luke! I finally settled on what I'm getting him, and I'm crazy excited about it. It looks like the way it'll be set up we'll have to board the puppy for a night, and hope I don't go into labor while we're out! The only choice of days that I've got to plan this are a week before baby Ivan is supposed to make his grand entrance. If he comes early- he's going with us!

I'm getting to where I wanna clean everything, but can only do small parts at a time as I get so tired so easily! I got the bathroom re-organized which I'm also excited about. That means that I can take out the drawer thingy in there that we bought and put it in the baby closet to hold socks, hats, little things like that.

Trying to decide whether or not I should wash everything now or wait has got me hung up. As most of y'all know, baby Ivan has a VSD. They didn't tell me how bad it is, but I've got another ultrasound next week bright and early (0715- I wasn't kidding!) Hopefully the doc is there when I get done, that way I can talk to them about it. Luke won't be here to talk to them with me, so I hope it isn't any worse. When they told me, that's all I could think about. It's all I could do to not completely break down- because my precious baby isn't perfect. He's already so perfect to me, but he's got a heart defect, which terrifies me. I know that they can easily be fixed, yet I'm still worrying about it! I mean..as bad as it sounds- I keep from washing everything and getting the rest of it ready because I'm afraid that he won't be alright when he finally gets here. I'm crazy, I know.

Everyone keep our little family in your prayers as we find out soon how he's holding up in there.

Naughty, naughty dog.

I had the greatest morning ever at church. Went to the church of Christ in Olympia- it took me awhile, but I finally found one that I thought I would try out. I was kind of wary after my experience at another one in Tacoma where not one single person talked to me- but today was such a big difference! I had one lady invite me to lunch next week (her husband is gone, too) and I'm already looking forward to it! I met more people and smiled more this morning than I have in a very long time and I'm very grateful for it.

On a not so happy note- I hit a bird on my way home. That brings our running count up to 3 for the past 24 hours.

I don't know what's gotten into the dog. Yesterday, I think he knew something was up when Luke was packing...he decided that he could take over the bed since there would only be one person sleeping there now! I can deal with sharing the bed with Wrinkles- as long as he doesn't fart on me, and as long as he doesn't snore too loud.

What I can't deal with..is being gone for LESS THAN 3 HOURS and coming home to a disaster. Where did he even get a book to shred? He usually sleeps while we're gone...but I guess he had other plans while I was gone today!

Day 0

Finally made it home safe and sound.

For whatever reason I've always been one to hit animals in the road..I don't know what it is, but they always run out in front of me! I'm gonna start counting while Luke is gone- so far I've got 1 bunny and 1 raccoon.

I'm already sending all my love to Virginia..I hope it gets there and is waiting for you on Sunday night. Me being upset is so stupid and I won't lie- I'm not a strong person. Or wait..is it normal for wives to wanna cry when their husbands leave?

I'm dropping my love off at the airport tomorrow night, and I'm really not looking forward to it. At all. Can we fast forward 42 days- to 10pm where I'll be picking him up to bring him back home?

I need a hug.