Things always change!

Looks like my honey won't be staying in VA Beach longer than planned! I wasn't upset because he was staying, I was upset because there was more time added on after I had my grand countdown. If I knew he was going to stay till the middle of July to start with, I would've been fine! Man, these pregnancy hormones have got me messed up!

Last week I got pampered a little bit, and really enjoyed it. Yesterday, I also got Ivan's first pet! His name is Randy and he's a corn snake. He's really fiesty when you try to pick him up, but once you've got him- he loves you.

Tonight I should've cleaned some, but instead I watched Hoarders. I can't watch this crap when Luke is home, so I'll enjoy the next 4 weeks of all my stupid shows!

I've been sick these last couple of days- I don't know what it is, but it sucks. A constant sore throat, fever, and puking everytime I eat/drink don't make for a happy camper. Hopefully it gets better soon- I don't wanna go to the doctor!

Yes, I told Luke "I want you to stay" which changed his coming home date from 18June to either 16 or 17 July. I know that technically now I'm not able to whine and be pissed about it..but I'm doing both, and I'm enjoying it. Just like I told him..it's not so much that it's because I'm here alone, it's because I'm scared that Ivan will come early and that I'll be completely alone.

I know, I know..it's not a deployment and I should be happy. But do you really think that changes how much I miss him? Do you think it makes me worry any less about what's going on here? Of course it doesn't. I'm not myself when he isn't here. There are so many things that need to be done that I'm now doing alone, when we had planned on doing them together.

And to all of you people who tell me that it'll be alright...I'm well aware. I know that he'll come home if I need him, and I know that I'll get everything done on time, I also know that everything will be fine- even if I feel like I'm going crazy. Don't tell me something that I already know. I'm sick and tired of hearing you tell me how you were fine, and how your friend was fine. I am neither you, and I'm not your friend. Our situations are totally different, believe me.

So if you tell me again what you think..I'm gonna tell you to piss off.

38 more days!

Last week felt like it drug on, but I woke up this morning and it's already Tuesday!

I'm not sure what my deal is lately, but I've been getting freaked out about the smallest things, and I'm constantly on edge. We've had these teenage brats hanging around the past little while which also creeps me out, seeing as a lady in our neighborhood was broken into and beat half to death a little while ago. Lucky for me the neighbors have an extra gun that they're letting me borrow until Luke gets home and we can get our own.

Yesterday I had another ultrasound to check on baby Ivan's VSD. I got there at 0715, and was done by about 0745..the tech I saw totally sucked. Turns out though that the VSD is still there- originally it was around 2mm, yesterday it was up to about 4.5-5mm. She told me not to worry about it, that everything would be fine..but seriously- what momma in her right mind would NOT worry when her precious baby has a hole in his heart that's only getting bigger?! I'm lucky that it was so early in the morning- it meant less traffic leaving post for me to deal with as I was pretty upset.

Here lately with everything going on out here- Luke being gone, the VSD deal, all the depressing rain- for some reason I've started having panic attacks again. I had another one this morning, and I really don't know why. I was planning on going shopping with Ashley- even just hanging out- but after I calmed down I could barely drag myself out of the house to take Stinky for a walk.

Hopefully today will get better!

Wanna know what I think?

Refer to my post from yesterday. That's what I think right now. And you wanna know what else?

Believe it or not, Mother's Day includes those that are SOON TO BE mothers. That means- you got it right- I'M INCLUDED.

Today started out great and then once again gradually went downhill.

You know what? I'm freaking sick of it. I'm sick of being second place to everything. I'm tired of not being able to help anyone- even though I've been there before, and I know almost EXACTLY what is going through that stupid, thick head. Not only does it stress me out, it makes me feel like crap.

It makes me feel like no matter what I do- I'll never be good enough. And you know...it's turning out to be just like everything else in my life. I'm not good enough for it. I wasn't the greatest to start with, and now that I'm pregnant and hormonal I'm really not anywhere near being close to how "great" I might've been to start with. I really wanna scream right now.

It's almost the end of Thursday..which means it's almost Friday..which means it's also almost Saturday- which totally means that there are 6 weeks left! Woohoo!

This morning started out great. And by great I mean that Luke called me at 4 am to tell me good morning and that he loves me. I was half awake all night- kinda sleepy and then wide awake on and off all but about an hour and a half where I was completely out. It was nice being woken up from what sleep I got to hear his voice.

The rest of the day...not so good. I managed to make it to Walmart to get some things to make oatmeal-choc chip cookies for his bday, I went to the post office to send off my mothers day boxes, and I dropped a bag off at Goodwill. During all of this though all I could think about was the mouse that's downstairs somewhere. I can't kill the poor thing so when he ran and hid this morning I figured he'd left..until I got home this afternoon- and there he was. He didn't even do anything and I freaked out, yelling at him, running after him- trying to chase him out..it didn't work. That caused panic attack number one.

I hardly ever have complete meltdowns these days. I guess me being totally overwhelmed and stressed plus having a mouse downstairs just got to me. I finally calmed down enough to attempt to knit..it didn't work. I tried and tried and tried..nothing helped out the situation.

Went to the mall with Ashley to pick up my ring, started getting shaky on the way back to her place, and I knew it was on again. Dropped her off, and then it started to hit me. I've still gotta organize the baby room. I've gotta clean the downstairs before my brother gets here, I need to bake cookies for Luke, I really need to clean the floors before the baby comes, I need Luke to come home, there's a mouse downstairs...everything rolled into one giant ball of irritation smacked me in the face full force when I got home.

Ladies, don't take things out on your husbands or boyfriends- whatever they are- if it's not his fault. Even if it is his fault, don't take it out on him. I turned into this evil, vicious woman that I swore I would never be..but I was her for 10 minutes- until the tears came. I cried because I couldn't knit. I cried because the stupid blinds in the living room are stuck and won't come down. I cried because I miss him- and I cried because I just want to be a normal, happy, calm person. I haven't been normal in over 5 years.

I really didn't mean to be mean to you honey- especially about the stupid diet. I love you, more than anything in the whole world. You'll always be my Shmallow Breath.

3 May 2010

Day 2 is finally coming to a close.

I went shopping with Ashley this morning- her hubs has a birthday coming up, as does Luke! I finally settled on what I'm getting him, and I'm crazy excited about it. It looks like the way it'll be set up we'll have to board the puppy for a night, and hope I don't go into labor while we're out! The only choice of days that I've got to plan this are a week before baby Ivan is supposed to make his grand entrance. If he comes early- he's going with us!

I'm getting to where I wanna clean everything, but can only do small parts at a time as I get so tired so easily! I got the bathroom re-organized which I'm also excited about. That means that I can take out the drawer thingy in there that we bought and put it in the baby closet to hold socks, hats, little things like that.

Trying to decide whether or not I should wash everything now or wait has got me hung up. As most of y'all know, baby Ivan has a VSD. They didn't tell me how bad it is, but I've got another ultrasound next week bright and early (0715- I wasn't kidding!) Hopefully the doc is there when I get done, that way I can talk to them about it. Luke won't be here to talk to them with me, so I hope it isn't any worse. When they told me, that's all I could think about. It's all I could do to not completely break down- because my precious baby isn't perfect. He's already so perfect to me, but he's got a heart defect, which terrifies me. I know that they can easily be fixed, yet I'm still worrying about it! I mean..as bad as it sounds- I keep from washing everything and getting the rest of it ready because I'm afraid that he won't be alright when he finally gets here. I'm crazy, I know.

Everyone keep our little family in your prayers as we find out soon how he's holding up in there.

Naughty, naughty dog.

I had the greatest morning ever at church. Went to the church of Christ in Olympia- it took me awhile, but I finally found one that I thought I would try out. I was kind of wary after my experience at another one in Tacoma where not one single person talked to me- but today was such a big difference! I had one lady invite me to lunch next week (her husband is gone, too) and I'm already looking forward to it! I met more people and smiled more this morning than I have in a very long time and I'm very grateful for it.

On a not so happy note- I hit a bird on my way home. That brings our running count up to 3 for the past 24 hours.

I don't know what's gotten into the dog. Yesterday, I think he knew something was up when Luke was packing...he decided that he could take over the bed since there would only be one person sleeping there now! I can deal with sharing the bed with Wrinkles- as long as he doesn't fart on me, and as long as he doesn't snore too loud.

What I can't deal with..is being gone for LESS THAN 3 HOURS and coming home to a disaster. Where did he even get a book to shred? He usually sleeps while we're gone...but I guess he had other plans while I was gone today!

Day 0

Finally made it home safe and sound.

For whatever reason I've always been one to hit animals in the road..I don't know what it is, but they always run out in front of me! I'm gonna start counting while Luke is gone- so far I've got 1 bunny and 1 raccoon.