It's 3 in the morning

and I should be asleep, but I've got a sweet baby snuggled up on my chest.

I love him so much.

It's about that time!

Our lease at this awful house is up in under a month! I think it's been narrowed down to two different new places- both much closer to post, and much closer to civilization. I'll miss the neighbors out here, but with us living in town it means that I can make friends..since I have zero out here- besides the guys that Luke works with.

It's crazy to think that we've lived up here almost a year. In 10 days it'll be the one year anniversary...of our second wedding. Yes. Second time getting married. So many other things have happened in the past 12 months...like us having a baby. The sweetest, most perfect angel ever.

I can't keep my eyes open for anything, I need to take a nap and it's not even 9am! Too bad I can't. I still have to pack a different diaper bag, feed the baby, get breakfast for myself, and get ready to take Drago to yet another doc appointment. Looks like he probably has thrush, which means that I- his lovely mother- have it as well. His cord stump also fell off a little over a week ago and it still hasn't healed. Not a good sign. From what I've researched on it- it might mean that there's an infection, or that there's a little tube there that didn't close, which means that he'll need meds to get that taken care of. Treating the thrush is going to be a pain to start with, but something wrong with his belly too? I really hope that it isn't anything serious. He had enough drama coming into this world, it's ashame that it has to continue on for the lil guy!

3 weeks later..

and we're all still alive. The dog hasn't starved to death, the snake doesn't hate us (I think), Luke & I haven't killed each other, and the baby has on a clean diaper.

I've thought I might go crazy, I've cried myself to sleep after holding an angel who only wanted to cry, I gave in and gave him formula a few times because I was so exhausted and needed Luke to feed him. I've done a million things I didn't think I was going to do, but I've made it this far- I think we might be alright.

I wish I had more to say, but I don't know what to do right now.

Well, I've given up on the idea of sleep. After a midnight and 2am feeding, Ivan wanted some more around 4am. Luke got up and gave him a bottle, and he wanted more after that...which means that I get to get up! So here I am...at almost 6am, still awake, because he screams if I put him down. Maybe he slept too much yesterday or something? I'm not sure how this whole sleep schedule thing works..but maybe today I'll try to keep him up more, so that he's more tired tonight.

We're going to get some photos taken of him today- should be fun, but it's an hour and a half drive. This will be by far the longest that we've been away from the house with him. 3hrs or so round trip in the car, plus our appt which is 2hr long..plus anything else that happens while we're out. I might just sleep on the car ride there and back, that way I'm not tempted to shoot anyone who looks at me wrong later on today.

Coffee anyone?

Breathe in...breathe out.

While I sit here on the couch, listening to my baby boy make cooing sounds from his current bed, I'm still in shock that this precious child really is mine. He's mine to take care of, to love and cherish, and to love some more. I'm getting more sleep than I thought I would, even though it's scattered throughout the day and night. For some reason Ivan wants to be up all night and sleep all day. It really doesn't bother me to sit up with him, it's just tiring to rock him and sing to him until he falls asleep and I'm halfway dozing off, then THINKING about laying him down- which instantly wakes him in a fit of screaming and tears...this usually isn't a problem, but after 2 or 3 hours I usually end up in tears too. They said I'm at a high risk for postpartum depression..I really really really hope that I don't end up there. I know what it's like to be severely depressed, and I don't want to know the feeling again.

My parents land in WA in about 20 minutes- Luke is on his way to the airport to get them..I would've gone, but fitting 4 normal sized people plus a car seat into a car isn't looking very likely right now. I'm still pretty tired, even after coffee, and I know I would've ended up mad over something stupid.

Working on crocheting a baby blanket and snuggling with Ivan sounds like a great plan right now.

One week old today!

This last week has been amazing.

We came home on Thursday, and it's just been a whirlwind since then. The first couple of nights we had to wake Ivan up for every feeding. I was on a whole bunch of pain meds then, so that might have something to do with how sleepy he was.

I took one of my pills this morning when I realized that I was hurting so bad that I couldn't get out of the bed, and haven't taken another one all day. We've slept on the couch every night since being home except for last night- I ended up using the steps that Luke built for Wrinkles to get in and out of there. Our bed is a good 4 foot off the ground, and there's no way I'm getting in there by myself right now.

Luke has been a dream. He's held me when I cried about something already done, and when I really cried about the house being a disaster...he then went and cleaned up. Last night I got really tore up when I was holding Ivan. He had to have his bilirubin (jaundice) levels checked yesterday, and instead of a heel prick they took it out of his hand with a needle. The bruise left from it looks just awful.

On a good note- my parents will be here tomorrow. That'll be interesting, considering how moody I've been this past week- I just hope I don't get too pissy. As much as I love them both, it's just going to be hard having two more people in the house when I feel like I'm going crazy.

Luke and I have been married for a whole year on Friday the 13th! Creepy, yes. Awesome, yes. I couldn't ask for more in a husband..I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. Well, he and Ivan are tied for the spot of who I could love more.

Honey- if you're reading this- I love you. A lot.

The moment you've been waiting for!

This post will probably be rather long, but it's alright. This entry is dedicated to my little man Ivan Paul Brown.

The last weeks of my pregnancy were uneventful. I had an appointment with a midwife on post, because I really wanted to have a drug free waterbirth. I went in, was 1cm dilated, and 25% effaced. Didn't look like anything was going to happen anytime soon!

On Friday, 30 July, Ivan was moving a little less than normal. I waited it out on Saturday, he was moving a little, but nowhere near what he usually did. Most of that night I stayed up, hoping that he would just go crazy and kick the crap out of me, but he didn't. We headed into labor and delivery on Sunday morning, 1 August. I was hooked up to the machines, and everything looked great! Well, almost everything.

Our little boy was breech. Very breech. He had one foot shoved down as far as it would go, and the other was crossed over at the knee. After quite a few tears we decided that the following Tuesday, 3 August, I would go back into L&D and the doctors would attempt a manual version. For those who don't know- a version is where they try to flip baby from the outside. It has some pretty high risks, including death of the baby. If the version didn't work, I would be having a c-section ASAP. I don't know how I managed to make it through that day and Monday, but I did. Tuesday morning rolled around, and I was TERRIFIED.

I called into L&D a little before 5am to see when I should come in for the version attempt. We promptly left the house and got to the hospital at 0630. I was hooked up to some monitors, got my IV started, and a dose of antibiotics, just incase they had to operate- that way the drugs would already be taking effect. We met with the anesthesologist, who had decided to give me a spinal instead of an epidural, once again- just incase.

I was wheeled to the OR doors at approximately 0900, where I got up, walked to the OR table, and hunched over to get my spinal shot. I knew deep down that I would need it in the end, because Ivan was so far along- they had less than a 50% chance of flipping him. Luke was brought in to be with me during the version- he sat down at the head of the table at 0920 or so, and the version was started at 0924. The two fabulous docs attempted to flip my precious child three different times, but he wasn't moving an inch. His heartrate dropped from 130 to 80 and they couldn't bring it back up.

"Scrub up." I remember hearing those words, even though I was crazy drugged. I never really had a chance to be scared, but I knew that in a few short minutes I would be meeting my baby boy. I couldn't really cry, I was more in shock that this was really about to happen. I held onto Luke's hand for all it was worth, and I prayed. I prayed that I would be alright, that whatever happened would be right. I prayed that my baby would come out screaming, and that he would be healthy.

Remember- they started trying to flip him at 0924. At 0927 the anesthesiologist told Luke to stand up and watch his son come into the world. He stood up, said "It's a boy!" and then I heard the greatest sound. My baby screamed and screamed and screamed. I cried a little more, and then Luke brought him over. He was beautiful.

I got stapled back together, moved onto another bed, and then we had to wait for an xray tech to come in to check my belly- they didn't even have a chance to do a count of everything, so they had to make sure nothing was left in there. Lucky for me- they got everything out on the first try. After they were done, Luke brought Ivan back to me, where I got to hold him for the first time. He screamed a little more, and then just looked at me..like he knew who I was.

A lot happened after that, but it's pretty much the standard hospital stay. I was up and walking within 8 hours of a major abdominal surgery, which really impressed the nurses. I was feeling good, I had my baby, and my husband was still by my side...even though I wasn't pretty and pregnant anymore. I was drugged, had a flabby belly, and could only cry about it all.

We stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning. I walked out of the hospital with no help, and we headed to the house. Ivan is a dream, Luke is a great daddy, Wrinkles isn't crazy, and I'm recovering like a champ.

I got my staples out today, they said everything looks beautiful. The only bad thing is that everything below the waist is swollen, and probably won't go down for awhile. I'm fine with getting up constantly to check on him, to feed him, and just to be a mom. I still haven't taken off my hospital bracelets, and it's been 4 days. I'm still in a dream state, and I'm just not ready to take them off. Yes, they're going in the baby book, but still..They're comforting right now, I guess.

That's all for now, I need to go corrall the dog, and feed my baby. He's really mine!

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers everyone! I can't wait to share him with all you folks back home, and just to really get into the swing of being a real family.

I've never wanted to balance a baby on it's head..

until now.

Long story short- we went into Labor & Delivery this morning, because Krackel hadn't been moving as much as he usually did. Got there, they hooked him up to the monitors, and he started moving around. I guess having brain waves shot through you might do that.

They did an ultrasound before we left, just to make sure everything looked alright- well, it doesn't. He's breech. FREAKING A. This upcoming Tuesday, 3 August..is going to be our little mans birthday. At 5am sharp on Tuesday I've gotta call to L&D to see what time I'm coming in for a manual version. Yes, I'm scared- so don't even ask. I've heard that they're painful, so don't tell me that, either. If he turns, they'll induce me right then. If not, I'm being taken back for a c-section..which I'm also scared of. I guess my plans of a wonderful, natural, waterbirth might possibly be out the window. Oh well.

We're doing my belly casting today (I think) and the rest of today and all day tomorrow--I'm eating all the crap I want, because once Ivan is here- I've gotta start eating healthy. Oh yeah- Fiber One Raisin Bran tastes like cardboard. Just a heads up.

Once again, it's been a rather long time since I've posted.

Craziness has ensued in our house, as I try to get ready for baby Ivan to show up. It's hard to believe that he's due next Friday! It seems like everyone around me is trying to get pregnant, already pregnant, or just had a baby. I was the first out of all of my "friends" back home to get married, and then surprise! There's a baby on the way!

Fort Lewis life is...boring. I don't have a job, and won't get one anytime soon- seeing as we have a baby due in less than two weeks. When we first moved up here I hooked up with a group in our neighborhood for military spouses, and didn't fit in at all. I felt like I was in highschool again.
I met a couple of people on and right off of post, and those "friendships" fell apart super fast- just like in highschool, or just like when I moved across the country. I tried to keep in touch, but over time it really became pointless.

I get along so much better with the guys that Luke works with, than I do people my own age. Yes, I'm young and married with a kid on the way. Yes, I hide who I really am, in order to make it seem like I'm happy and normal...but I'm really not. I want to have friends. I don't want to have to sit at home alone day after day after day. Making friends has always been so hard for me that I've finally given in and given up.

I can't wait until Ivan is here. I can't wait until my wonderful husband and I have a month of being together, with our new baby, and our crazy dog. I can't wait to really be a family.

4 weeks left!

It's been almost a month since I've written, as I was so lovingly reminded by Luke last night.

4 more weeks until baby Ivan's due date. Part of me hopes that he comes early, just so that I'm not completely miserable with the heat..but the other part of me knows that he'll be just as miserable as I am, so he might as well stay in there where he's comfy for a few more weeks.

In 2 weeks there's a Red Sox game, which I'm really hoping that we can go to. I didn't get Luke much for his birthday, as I was planning on going to a few of the games while they're in town- as sort of a last shindig for us before we're a family of 3!

He rushed out of the house this morning at...545. The gig wasn't until later, but then it got changed to 615..and we live almost an hour away. Lovely. Just freaking lovely.

Good news: I have almost everything done for the baby! Still need to buy a big big big ticket item, and some odds and ends then we're all set. If he came right now, we'd be good to go though!

Not so good news: I need new tires on my car. I've got a leak in my left front, and it sucks. We put fix a flat in it a few weeks ago, and I totally forgot about it..until it started going flat on Tuesday. We put another fix a flat in it- and it went from 36psi to 21psi..overnight. Not good.

I'm also covered in bug bites from the lake. That in itself sucks. I made a paste of baking soda and water to put on them, and it worked for a few minutes..but now they're itching again. I have a flat freaking tire- so it's not like I can just go to the store for some of the anti itch crap.

Ugh.